No, this is not meant to be funny, like the turdburgling articles. This is more or less serious.
After a long phone conversation and a long chat online, an anonymous friend was overly depressed. She eventually got angry at me and went offline. I sent her the following E-mail. She went back online and was very apologetic. She could tell that I understood, more than just a little, what she was going through.
I'm not putting this up here to make me look cool, or wise, or any other bullshit quality that people attribute to me. I'm putting this up here because I feel that I need to share this. This is basically the "ultra concise nutshell version" of my whole life philosophy. No, this is not a manifesto, and it is not meant to change lives. It is just my insight into depression, and ultimately, life. I just want to share... My mom always told me that sharing was good.
I am not happy with anything. My life right now is shitty. I don't go tiptoeing through the tulips all the time. I've just been down the road you're on before. When I was in 'middle school', I would cry almost every night. I felt so alone, so unwanted, and so worthless. I even contemplated suicide. Too bad I was a huge wuss and couldn't even bring myself to cut myself. This was when I was like, 11 through 14. I know you don't think I understand, but I do. I don't know how to explain myself, but I know how you feel. I didn't even have a girlfriend until the end of my freshman year in high school, and she was the biggest dork in school. We only went out for two months... I thought she was the greatest thing in the world... then we just broke up, out of nowhere. After that, I was really depressed. No one even cared enough to ask "What's wrong". I wanted to die. I wished I could just somehow get out of the world, out of life. I didn't want to be anywhere anymore. I felt like I wasn't anyone at all. I couldn't express myself anyway. I didn't write, I didn't make poems, draw, or anything, like the typical depressed child does. No one understood me. No one cared about me, and I'm damned if anyone cares about me now. So don't tell me to go live my happy life. Don't tell me I'm full of shit. I don't care if you don't like my ideas. I'm still going to share them. I share them because I care about you. I'm not trying to look smart, wise, or noble, I just want to help. Is that so evil? Helping? Trying to make people get past their lonliness? I've been depressed so many times. I still get depressed alot, I just don't show it. I have a strange enough personality that any way I act is unusual to anyone, so people don't know when I'm depressed, but I'm depressed quite often. It's not because of some bullshit chemical thing, it's because of my mind. I'm having trouble now with my future. I know I'm going to be successful, but what will I actually do? What will I contribute to the world? I know the world is a shithole, and society is the shit in that shithole. In a way, my life is "meaningless", too. I feel no immediate worth, but nobody does. People have the tendency to think the worst of things. It's not realism, it's hyper-paranoia and hyper-pessimism. I'm having trouble with everything. And yes, I have to contribute something to the world.
I'm not saying at all that your depression comes from lack of ambition. Your lack of ambition comes from your depression. You think you're useless, stupid, and a huge mistake. Believe me, though, you have talents. Everyone has talents, you probably just don't know about them. Besides that, you can teach yourself new things.
In a way, all people are stupid. I'm stupid. There are people who think that they know everything. They're stupid. Atheists are stupid. Religious fanatics are stupid. People that listen to other people's philosophies are stupid. If you can't make your own observations and draw your own conclusions, I'm sorry for you. (That you was the figurative, all-encompassing you). I have a friend that practically worships Ayn Rand. If it disagrees with Ayn Rand, it disagrees with him. He's so unbelievably stupid because of it. He totally lacks insigt of his own.
I'm not telling you to listen to me, I'm not telling you to believe me, and I'm not telling you that I'm right. I'm just guessing. Everything is just a big guess. We were just plunked here to figure out what our purpose is. That's why lonliness is a part of everybody's life. Everyone thinks that they suck and everyone else has it so much better off than we do. We're all in the same boat together. I don't care if you think everyone is ignorant and naive. Forget the pop-culture, conformist swinish multitude. All humans have basically the same goal, to find purpose. Without purpose, we feel lonely and incomplete. Some people just cope with it better than others.
You don't need to believe me. You don't need to trust me. I just want you to read this and think about it. I'm sorry if I make you feel worse. I usually end up making people feel worse anyway. I understand if you never want to talk to me again. I just want you to know: I do care, I try to understand, and I try to listen, but to judge me as some fluffy-bunny ignoramus is just low. You can think I'm happy all you want, but I'm not. That's the truth. No one is happy, and I don't have a happy life to live.
... and just because I have [my girlfriend] doesn't mean I'm not alone.
This letter was from 6.2.01
