Local Man Suspected of Turd Burgling

SALEM, WI-- During a routine "turd house" investigation Monday, police discovered in the posession of Cracky McCrack-Crack, a once-convicted turd user, over seventy-five hundred pounds of feces at his home just outside of Salem. The house, say neighbors, was emitting a rather strong odor, and apparently, was surrounded by a swarm of flies too thick to see through. This prompted Eunice Johoshiansenn, a neighbor down the alley from McCrack-Crack to alert the local DEA team of a possible turd house. Here is an excerpt from the 911 call:

Eunice: Hello, I'm afraid my neighbor may be a turd burgler.
Dispatcher: Thank God you called, Ma'am, turd burgling has been a big problem around here. I'll send a DEA unit over right away.
Eunice: Thank the Lord Jesus, Almighty for you fine police personnel. Without you, I'm sure Salem would be the turd burgling capital of the world!
Dispatcher: Don't worry, Ma'am, we'll get right on it. Turd burgling, dealing, and using are more important on the DEA's list than dope and chill-pills.
Eunice: Well, thank you once again, on behalf of myself, my neighborhood, and Jesus Christ! Good-bye!

The 911 dispatcher returned Mrs. Johoshiansenn's call five minutes later:

Eunice: Hello?
Dispatcher: Yes, Mrs. Eunice Johoshiansenn, this is the 911 dispatcher you just spoke with a few moments ago.
Eunice: Yes?
Dispatcher: I forgot to ask you where this suspected turd house was.
Eunice: I thought 911 had an ANI line. And naturally, through the power of the Lord, I assumed you could find my house on Pferdficken Drive and see the turd house from here.
Dispatcher: Yes, all of that is true, but I still need to know the exact address of the suspected turd house.
Eunice: Alright...

Portion ommited for the safety of Mr. McCrack-Crack.

Dispatcher: Thank you very much, the ruthless DEA will be weilding their automatic weapons and riot gear in your neighborhood shortly.
Eunice: Oh Jesus, thank the gracious Lord God Almighty! Have a nice day!
Dispatcher: Toodles!

Mr. McCrack-Crack's house was busted by the DEA, and was found to contain, along with the forementioned fecal matter, grotesque pornography, over 230 pounds of dope, and 64 cases of chill pills. Mr. McCrack-Crack was, according to DEA agent Russel Chewer, "Loading pallettes of turd onto a semi truck in his driveway with a fork lift. He sure was turded up and chilled out". Mr. McCrack-Crack was arrested for posession with intent to distribute and operating while intoxicated. He will serve ten to twenty weeks in the Salem jailhouse.

Mr. McCrack-Crack's recovered computer was found to contain files and e-mail messages referring to a "turd train" (an illegal, underground turd-smuggling network), and turd smuggling to and from the Phillipines. Due to this, and his enormous, feces-drenched rolodex full of network agents, Mr. McCrack-Crack is also suspected of "turd burgling", a highly illegal form of turd smuggling in which network agents disembowel unsuspecting children and recover every last 'drop' of human waste, only to be sold on the United States turd market.

When Mrs. Johoshiansenn was informed of this, she replied, "Dear heavens, that's incredible! That's a business Jesus and I should check into... What? No. Jesus Consuelo, my Mexiacan contact, not Christ, the Lord Almighty."

Mr. McCrack-Crack is awaiting a hearing and a trial.

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