*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 3 ** ** January 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. 1998 Year In Review by: Syko416 3. Chocolate Scam by: Syko416 4. Canadian H/P Scene by: Syko416 5. Top Ten by: Syko416 6. Jokes by: Syko416 7. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^^^^^ notice a pattern? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial ************ Hey, I would write about something but I am sooo tired!and I know why, I'll explain it to you. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading some dumb zine! And just because they hate it, I am dedicating this issue to Korben416, Ruiner, Slayer416 and Gorf Gamblor! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. 1998 Year In Review ********************** Another year has gone by already?? That can only mean one thing, time for one of those crappy Year In Review articles. So let's get started. 1998 was a good year in movies except the first couple of movies of 1998. Of course I am talking about Titanic. Ask any straight guy, and they'll tell you it sucked. There were other shit piles like Spice World, and Godzilla. Now, on to the good movies. The most powerful (and gory) most of 1998 has to by Saving Private Ryan. (The sequel, Saving Ryan's Privates comes out in late January) There were also some very funny movies like: There's Something About Mary, The Waterboy, BASEketball, and Dirty Work, but the funniest movie of 1998 has to be Half-Baked (go and rent it now!) If you ask me the best movie of 1998 is Wild Things. (I saw that movie 5 time ;) On to TV. The Best New Show is That 70s Show and coming a close second is The Howard Stern Radio Show (it would have been the best if it was uncensored) and Pamela Lee's TV show, VIP in a close third (it has the right mix of sexy women (wearing almost nothing), comedy, guns, and stuff blowing up). This year there were lots of old shows that had really a funny season. I am talking about the All-Time best TV show, The Simpsons. The Halloween show is always the best of the year and this year was no exception (it guest stared Jerry Springer). The Biggest hype this year was the final Seinfeld. If you ask me, IT SUCKED!! I could have pulled a better show out of my ass! but (no pun intended) that just me. Another thing that sucked this year, was when SNL replaced Norm McDonald with Colin Quinn as the Weekend Edition person. One more thing that sucked, Emeril. All of Emeril's shows SUCK! Only women (and gay men) like him. And now music. This year in music was pretty damn good. Let's see some of the new albums: Korn: Follow the Leader (good but I think that Life is Peachy is better); Beastie Boys: Hello Nasty (a good CD full of a mix of Hip-Hop and Rock) Rob Zombie: Hellbilly Deluxe (wicked CD!! too bad it's only 38 minutes) Marilyn Manson: Mechanical Animals (the CD is good, he goes back to his old stuff, but the cover is fucked up) Metallica: Garage Inc. (this is good music but they are cover tunes and not original songs) Offspring: Americana (this CD is packed with amazing songs like Pretty Fly (for a white guy) Kiss: Syko Circus (I like the name of the CD and the song Syko Circus but that's it) Smashing Pumpkins: Adore (It's a good CD, I like the nude pic of D'arcy in the booklet). Then you have the one Hit wonders: Rammstein: Du Hast (You hate - this song) and Fatboy Slim: The Rockafella Skank (I really like this song.I know all the words ;) Sports. What happened in sports? not much. Mark McGwire beat Roger Maris's record of 61 homeruns in one season, but who cares? Baseball Sucks! What about NBA? Well, not surprising that the Bulls (best team in NBA) won the championship for the sixth time. Will they win it again? Not this season. They are on strike and they have no season this year. (that sucks) how about the NFL? Well, it's been all Denver this year, which had me really pissed of until Denver lost 2 in a row right before the playoffs. If you ask me, the only good thing that happened this year in Sports was Ross Rebagliati wining the gold medal for snow boarding. (and still having time to smoke a spliff) Now, we look at the headlines. This year, it's been full of the Clinton Sex Scandal (I guess Monica is a step up from Paula, a very small step) I guess Clinton got to the Viagra :P What else happened? The start of World War III. No one believes me but you just watch. USA will go to war with Iraq and what will I do? NOTHING! I am not going to Iraq to fight the American's war (sorry but I am not) Moving on, Jesse 'The body" Ventura Became the governor of Minnesota. Oh great! Now, all the wrestlers will run for office starting with Hulk Hogan. Hogan has "retired" from wrestling and is running for president in 2000. Hopefully he'll score with better chicks than Clinton. Down with computers! Windozes 98 came out this year (makes sense since it's 1999) and everyone MUST go out and buy it. WHY? because Microsoft has a monopoly over the whole fucking world!! and in 1999 all the new programs will only work on Win 98. How do you fight this? Use Linux or buy the new Imac. I think the Imac looks pretty cool but you have to remember that it's a mac. You don't have the best software for mac and if you are like me and don't want to pay for software, you aren't going to find many Mac Warez sites out there. Well, that was 1998. Hopefully 1999 will be MUCH better. As I finish this article I have to say that the best thing to come out of 1998 is.......... SYKOTIC TIMES!! (What were you expecting?) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Chocolate Scam ******************* I just got home from the store and what did I see? Some guy trying to rip people off using the chocolate scam. Now, everyone has seen someone trying to pull off the chocolate scam, but you probably didn't realise it. The chocolate scam is a very easy scam to do. All you need is $30 - $50. Take your money and go a bulk food warehouse (like Monster Mart), go into the candy section and buy a big box of chocolate bars (chocolate covered Almonds work the best) with like 50 packs inside. (This is why you needed the money.) The chocolate bars should cost less than $1 each. Now, all that you do is sell it to people for $2 each. You can either go around door to door and ask if anyone wants any or you can go to a store or mall and stand near the entrance and ask people as they go in or come out. It is better if you say that the money is going to a good cause, like to help out your sports team to buy uniforms or to raise money for your french class so you can go to France. People will want to buy more if it's for a good cause (you). Tips Try to buy chocolate covered almonds or if you can't find that, solid milk chocolate bars because I don't think that people will buy a Mars bar for $2 if they can go out to the store and get it for $1. Also, try not to over charge. That means don't sell the chocolate bars for $5 because if they cost to much then people won't buy them. I think you should sell them for $2 each. Just think, if you buy 50 bars for $30 and sell them for $2 each, you make a profit of $70 (well, less if you eat some). If you keep doing it, you keep a profit of $40 each time (you need $30 to buy more chocolate bars). ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. The Canadian H/P Scene ************************* The Canadian H/p Scene has come a long way in one year. At the beginning of this year, there were only a few Canadian H/P sites, but now there are lots. I know phreaks from all over Canada. I know phreaks in Toronto, Edmonton, Alberta, British Columbia, Quebec, Owen Sound, Ottawa, and Mississauga. I think that one of the best Canadian H/P sites out there would have to be Hack Canada (http://www.hackcanada.com) They are like the Canadian PLA. They have contacts all over Canada and are also making t-shirts to sell (the shirts should be ready by end of January, check their site for more details) One of the oldest Canadian H/P sites out there has to be Ontario Phreaking Home (http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ba992/HomePage.phone.html) I have known about this page for a long time. It has also of information about the boxes on the site of the road that you can beige from but thatŐs about it. There are also groups like ch4x (http://www.hackcanada.com/ch4x), Modem Marines (http://freecenter.digiweb.com/computers/mmarines/splash.html), Fosc (http://diamond.lucian.net/~fos/), Telus Watchers (http://telus.hypermart.net/) and PLA Alberta (http://members.xoom.com/Jesterzx/) And with groups come ezines like ch4x (http://www.hackcanada.com/ch4x) Catslash magazine (http://smagazine.simplenet.com/catslash/) and this one, Sykotic Times (http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko) There are also personnel web pages like Longueuil Beach Underground (http://www.chez.com/snyperz/), Demos (http://sdf.lonestar.org/~demos/), Exposed 905 (http://members.tripod.com/~exposed905/), Bishop (http://users.dhp.com/~bishop/), N-Sanity (http://n-Sanity.hypermart.net/) M0jo (http://www.interlog.com/~piotrzal/), and Oroku (http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Gulf/8180/). There are also 2600 meetings in Canada on the first Friday of every month. In Toronto, it's held at Cyberland Internet Cafe (257 Yonge St. @ 7pm), In Edmonton, it's held at the Sidetrack Cafe (10333 112 Street @ 4pm). In Vancouver, it's held in the Pacific Centre Food Fair (one level down from street level by the payphones @ 4pm) In Ottawa, it's held at Cafe Win (on Sussex a block down from Rideau Street @ 7pm) 2600 meetings are good places to meet other phreakers or hackers in the area near you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Top Ten I was going to put the top ten sports that sucked in this issue and the top ten sports that rule in the next one but I thought this would be better. Enjoy! The Top Five Sports That Suck ***************************** 5. Marathons (too much running) 4. Curling (do I really have to explain why?) 3. Golf (is it really hard to hit a ball into a hole?) 2. 1,000 pin Bowling (it's so hard to get a strike) 1. Nude Flag football with gay guys (HEY! that's not the flag!!) The Top Five Sports That Rule ***************************** 5. Sleeping (I am the Toronto Champion) 4. Streaking (it answers the question: how's it hanging?) 3. Indoor golf (think about it) 2. Cow Tipping (I don't care what you say, it's a sport) 1. Chicken Choking (number 1 sport in the world) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Jokes A Dog Named Sex *************** Everybody who owns a dog names him "Rover" or "Boy". I decided to call mine "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said,"I'd like to have one too." When I said "but this is for a dog," he replied, "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said "You don't understand; I've had Sex since I was nine years old!" His reply was, "You were some kid!" When I went away on vacation, I left my dog with a Pharmacist friend. When I returned, I came to his store, and asked his female assistant if I could get Sex in here. She said "Not even with a prescription". I responded "I missed Sex while I was away". "Well," she said, " if I ever see you again, you'll miss sex permanently!" I said "I have to get Sex from here, now!". She kicked me where I have sex. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and told the hotel clerk that "I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for sex." To that he said "Every room in this place is for sex." I said "You don't understand; Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk replied, "me, too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition had began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked my why I was so upset and looking around. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, "you should have sold tickets." I said, "but you don't understand; I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He then walked away, muttering something about me being a damn show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court for custody of the dog. "Your honour,", I said, "I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, and to that he said,"Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked what I was doing at 4 am in an alley. To which I replied "I am looking for Sex." Well, my case comes up tomorrow... Genie In A Bottle ***************** A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife."I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." (And neither did the wife). The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies- that's amazing." Want To Have Sex? ***************** A deaf couple were having a hard time communicating in bed due to the fact that they cannot see each other's sign language in the dark. The wife said to her husband, " Honey, let's make a rule. If you want to have sex with me, squeeze my left breast one time. If you do not want to have sex with me, squeeze my right breast one time. What do you think?". The husband says, "Good rule. Now, honey, if you DO want to have sex with me, pull my penis one time. If you do NOT want to have sex with me, pull my penis...fifty times". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7.Left Over Shit Here's a bunch of things that I thought up but I don't have any where to put it. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"? OK, so what's the speed of dark? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... if at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Headline reads 'World Wide Web broken: Spiderman at large' Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Hit any user to continue. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you want to write for Sykotic Times, send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I will post almost anything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko IRC Hang outs: irc.hackcanada.com - #Canada Efnet - #fosc Shout outs to: ch4x, fosc, and Hack Canada. In next issue: Stuff Street date: sometime in February