****************************************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 4 ** ** February 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** ** Wide Screen Edition ** ****************************************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Why Coffee Is Better Than Women by: Syko416 3. Why Beer Is Better Than A Woman by: Syko416 4. Why The Internet Is Like A Penis by: Syko416 5. Why Study? By: Syko416 6. Exam Prayer by: Syko416 7. Good-Times Virus Alert by: Syko416 8. Syko416 's Conspiracy Theory #1 by: Syko416 9. Top Ten by: Syko416 10. Jokes by: Syko416 11. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^^^^^ notice a pattern? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial ************ I am kind of getting bored with phreaking, mostly cuz it's winter and it's like - 50 C below outside and there's like 2 feet of snow and I can't do any thing cuz I 'can't get out to a payphone and can't go around people's property cuz they'll see my footprints in the snow. So, I am just making a big Joke issue. but I have some serious stuff in here, like the Exam Prayer and Why study?. Hopefully, it will warm up and I can write some more shit about phreaking. And just because they hate it, I am dedicating this issue to Korben416, Ruiner, Slayer416 and Gorf Gamblor (again) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Why Coffee Is Better Than Women ********************************** A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. You can always warm coffee up. Coffee comes with endless refills. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. Coffee never runs out. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it. You can smoke while drinking coffee. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee. Coffee smells and tastes good. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel. Coffee is cheap. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back. They sell coffee at police stations. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. Coffee goes down easier. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter. Your coffee doesn't talk to you. Your coffee won't be jealous of a another cup. Coffee smells good in the morning. Coffee is good when it's cold too. Coffee stains are easier to remove. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in. Coffee doesn't shed. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it. Coffee doesn't mind being ground. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. Two words: INSTANT COFFEE! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Why Beer Is Better Than A Woman ********************************** You can GET a beer Beer stains wash out. You can enjoy a beer all month long. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. Your beer will wait patiently in the car while you play hockey. When your beer goes flat you toss it out. Beer is never late. Hangovers go away. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. Beer labels come off without a fight. When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer. Beer never gets a headache. After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth 10 cents. Beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer on your breath. If you pour beer right you will always get good head. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. A beer always goes down easy. You can share a beer with your friends. You know you are the first one to pop a beer. A beer is always wet. A beer doesn't demand equality. You can have a beer in public. A beer doesn't care when you come. A frigid beer is a good beer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. Why the Internet Is Like a Penis *********************************** - It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. - In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. - It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. - It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. - If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. - It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. - We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. - If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. - It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" - Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. - Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. - Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. - Overuse will cause eye strain possibly leading to blindness. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Why Study? ************* The more I study, The more I know. The more I know, The more I forget. The more I forget, The less I know. So why study? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Exam Prayer ************** Now I lay me down to study, I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. If I should fail to learn this junk, I pray the Lord I do not flunk. But if I do, don't pity me at all, Just lay me down in the study hall. Tell my teachers I did my best Then pile the books upon my chest. Now I lay me down to rest, and pray I'll pass tomorrow's test. And if I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take! Amen! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. Good-Times Virus Alert!! *************************** There's a new virus that will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melts. It will demagnetise the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use sub space field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fish tank. It will drink all your wine and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead squirrel in the back pocket of your good pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Good times will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girl or boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead; such is the power of Good times. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Good times will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. Goodtimes will prompt your mother to call on Friday and Saturday nights for two months after you make a new girlfriend/boyfriend. It will place your wallet and keys on an obscure shelf in the basement. It will emulate your face and stare into the neighbor's bathroom window. Goodtimes has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend Goodtimes. Goodtimes will make your bloomers shrink two sizes, and it will make you gain 15 pounds. If this results in a wedgie, then Goodtimes will leave a nasty skid mark. -----> For the humor-impaired the "GoodTimes" virus DOES NOT exist!! Neither does any virus which claims to be spread via e-mail. E-mail messages are text files. Attachments however, can do damage (hint,hint) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Syko416's Conspiracy Theory #1 ********************************* This is the first or many conspiracy Theories. I'll write them when ever I find them. Today, I am here to prove that..... Britney Spears is a Nympho ************************** If you don't know who Britney Spears is you are very lucky. If you haven't heard her new song (Baby, One More Time) you are even luckier :P Well, she's one those hot chicks with no talent (like the Spice Girls) Anyways, I have proof that she is a nympho. In her song "Baby, One More Time" the chorus is: "Come On Baby, Hit Me One More Time" And what's another word for hit? Bang. now place hit with bang in the chorus: "Come On baby, Bang Me One More Time" Want more proof? Ok, after she says that, she says: "Oh Baby, Baby! Oh Baby, Baby!" If you ask me (and most people do), she is having an orgasm cuz her "baby" is banging her "One More Time" :P Ladies and Gentlemen, I rest me case. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. Top Ten ********** Top Ten Dumb Things To Do With Your Dick 10. Substitute it for a pool cue (testie in the pants pocket) 9. Use it to discipline a pitbull. (down boy!) 8. Use it to pry jammed toast out of the toaster. (damn toast!) 7. Substitute it for a baseball bat and play baseball with it) 6. Check that the electric pencil sharpener is working. (I'll just stick it in here....) 5. Taunt Lorana Bobbit (no need explaining) 4. Get a blow job from a cannibal. (Owwww!!) 3. Substitute it for a golf tee. (four!) 2. Use it to teach a woman to drive a stick shift 1. Screw the 18 year old daughter of a redneck Texan gun salesman! (bang your dead) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Jokes ********** The Magical Elevator ******************** A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall.They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again (i.e., elevator doors).The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have don't know what it is" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." Fuck The Carrots **************** A man is cooking with his woman. He is drinking a beer, she is fixing the vegetables.She asks him if he wants some carrots in his pot. -Woman "Do you want some carrots?" -Man "Fuck the carrots!" She bluches -Woman "How did you know?" I Smell Gas *********** We entered the house about midnight after going out for the evening; since I smelled something in the air, my wife wouldn't let me turn on the lights since if it was gas, the spark may ignite the gas, so I light a match instead... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: If you want to write for Sykotic Times, send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko IRC Hang outs: irc.hackcanada.com - #Canada Efnet - #fosc Shout outs to: ch4x, fosc, and Hack Canada. Always Remember the last word of my uncle who said: "A Truck!" In next issue: It's National Condom Month!! Street date: sometime in March