*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 5 ** ** March 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. National Condom Month Slogans by: Syko416 3. 50 Uses For A Dead Rubber by: Syko416 4. A letter from Canadaweb.com by: Syko416 5. A letter from the Trojan Company by: Syko416 6. Majors Madness by: Major 7. Syko416's Conspiracy Theory #2 by: Syko416 8. Windows 98: The Texan Version by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^^^^^ One of these things doesn't belong ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial ************ Woah! is it March already? I guess time flys when you are asleep. Anyways, I have gotten a lot of shit about this zine. Mostly from SLAYER, KORBEN, and RUINER. I am only saying this cuz they don't like it when I mention them. Slayer is always bugging me by asking me to take his name out of the issues or stop making Sykotic Times completely. and I always say: FUCK YOU! :P It's not like I am saying he's gay (he's not, he just acts like it) I only said: "Shout outs to: Gorf Gamblor, Ruiner, Korben" in the second issue. and he's been bugging me ever since. I also dedicated the last 2 issues to them, just to piss them off. If they didn't say anything about it, I probably wouldn't have dedicated the issues. So there :P (I don't really don't care anymore, cuz i am going to keep writing these) anyways, Enjoy the issue. I have gotten a new computer and my dad bought me "Indy Racing" from ABC sports and I found out something really cool. The Game (full version) cost only $10 and it come with 2 CDs with 2 copys of the game (one on each CD) so the game actually costs $5, you are just buying 2 copys. But the best part is that you can sell the CD and maybe get your money back :P Oh yeah, one more thing, this month is Nation Condom Month (well, it probably isn't but I wanted to use this cool stuff) so that is why there's a bunch of stuff about condoms. You will also notice that there is an article in here not by me. I think that the article fits with the whole Nation Condom Month thing. You'll understand when you read it. Later - Syko416 BTW: Watch for the First Annual Sykotic Times Spring Break Issue coming out in Mid-march (March 13 to be exact) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. National Condom Month Slogans ******************************** 1) Cover your stump before you hump 2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie 4) When in doubt shroud you spout 5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong 7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize 11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12) If you go into heat, package your meat 13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis 14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse 15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker 17) Don't be a fool, vulcanise your tool 18) The right selection, is to protect your erection 19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil 20) A crank with armour, will never harm her 21) If you really love her, wear a cover 22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake 23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener 24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket 25) No glove, no love 26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye 27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver 28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax 29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt 30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown 31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam 32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed 33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink 34)The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground 35) Cloak the joker before you poke her 36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch 37) Cape your throbber before you bob her 38) After detection sheath your erection 39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate 40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser 41) Cover that lumber before you pump her 42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle 43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle 44) House your noodle then release your strudel 45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound 46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey 47) Cage that snake then shake and bake 48) Cover your peter it will be much neater 49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore 50) It's always funky to cage your monkey 51) It won't be funny with a coat less dummy 52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb 53) It's not much money to catch your honey 54) Don't be a fool cover your tool 55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch 56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche 57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool 58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive 59) Contain that sputum before you use him 60) Restrain your log then plow her bog 61) Glove your pecker before you check her 62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her 63) Condomize then womanise 64) Cover old Pete then grind her meat 65) Guard your peter before you meet her 66) Check your list before you tryst 67) Wrap your bate before you mate 68) Can your worm before you squirm 69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe 70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard 71) Bag the mole then do her hole 72) Cuff your carrot before you share it 73) Jail your number then call the plumber 74) Cover your vein then drive her insane 75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle 76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink 77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern 78) Hide old harry then take her cherry 79) Wrap that spout then bore her out 80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain 81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge 82) Shroud your trout then make her shout 83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky 84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers 85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout 86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel 87) Cover your steamer before you ream her 88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish 89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass 90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret 91) Clothe the boner before you hone her 92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection! 93) Cork your pump or you don't hump 94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs 95) Dress that erection to make a deflection 96) Contain that shanker before you spank her 97) Cap that seeder before you breed her 98) Stop the stream before you cream 99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder 100) Protect your screw to catch that glue 101) Package your meat for a real neat treat 102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun 103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her 104) Garage the tractor then attack her 105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her 106) Sock that wanger before you bang her 107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much loser 108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good 109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke 110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate 111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate 112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates 113) Catch that goat before it bloats 114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen 115) Restrain your hammer then wham bam her 116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk 117) Wrap that rod then please her bod 118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife 119) House that bottle then mash her throttle 120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash 121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle 122) Can your knob then throb her swab 123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug 124) Cover your limb before you swim 125) Retain your bailer then impail her 126) Rope your dope then make some soap 127) Net your salamander then make salad in her 128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper 129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds 130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft 131) Cover your stone before you bone 132) House your hose then curl her toes 133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass 134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch 135) Shield your rocks then pond her box 136) Cover old sly then do her dry 137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail 138) Glove your chimney before you come in me 139) If your nude tube your dude 140) Cloak your hitter then go split her 141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her 142) Can your spam then bam that mam 143) Corral your ram then slice her ham 144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver 145) Twist your wick then stick that prick 146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart 147) Shed old spot then do her slot 148) Drawer your pip then split her lips 149) Contain that leach then mash her peach 150) Bag your elm then take the helm 151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem 152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these 153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot 154) Survey your land then plant her stand 155) Before you drive her protect that diver 156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt 157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her 158) Cover you post then slice her roast 159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey 160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon 161) Contain your viper before you pipe her 162) Tub that sub then rub her hub 163) Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen 164) Dam your giver then fill her quiver 165) Protect her bush! - Before you push. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. 50 Uses For A Dead Rubber **************************** Well, it's time we all learned how to conserve our everyday "things". I was going to put this as the Top Ten but I thought up so many. 1 A good old coin purse. 2 Grandma's douche bag. 3 An infant's everyday shoes. 4 Tongue warmer for FAGS. 5 Doorknob grip. 6 Finger puppet for preschooler. 7 Disk drive cover. 8 Trash bag for a midget. 9 Baby-bottle nipple. 10 Museum exhibit. 11 Playboy's nipple cover. 12 A muzzle for the dog. 13 Faggot chewing gum. 14 Slingshot. 15 Ear warmer. 16 K-mart brand wedding ring. 17 Table leg scuff protector. 18 Finger trampoline. 19 Watch band. 20 Swatch-guard. 21 Teacher repellent. 22 Fly-paper. 23 Baby hat. 24 Garter belt. 25 Water Winnie. 26 A full size Madonna shirt. 27 Dildo cover for carrot stick. 28 Hamster's home. 29 Bird bath. 30 Light bulb colour changer. 31 100% U.S RDA for FAGS. 32 Hookers proof-of-purchase. 33 Candle "stick" holder. 34 Straight jacket for Tattoo. 35 BJ protector. 36 Mouse trap. 37 Pet play-toy. 38 Atari joystick. 39 Zip-Lock freezer bag. 40 Cobra-Commander mask. 41 Necklace charm. 42 Earing. 43 Headphone speaker protector. 44 Colgate Pump (Cums out easy). 45 Jock-strap. 46 Elbow or knee pad. 47 Tampax Tampon. 48 Disk jacket. 49 Pencil eraser. 50 Transformer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. A letter From Canadaweb.com ****************************** This is a letter that I got forwarded to me from a friend. I was going to put it in issue #4 but I didn't have time. What makes it even funnier is that I know one of the guys that ownz canadaweb.com (no, he ACTUALLY owns it, legally). Remember, this is a real letter. anyways, here it is: From: Edward Wensing Reply-To: ewensing@canadainweb.com To: gphun@hotmail.com Subject: wh0rdizb0nd.com Date: Fri, 08 Jan 1999 19:33:52 -0500 Hello, In the past 48 hours you have attempted to register the a domain name mentioned in the subject header. It seems as your request has been rejected due to that the name and number you entered does not authenticate that he entered an order for the domain. Just in note, if you are not this person, you are commiting fraud, an illegal action and you can be held accounted for it and can be charged if you continue to do this in the future, any further requests from this address will be subject to an investigation and you can be fined and/or jailed. Thank You. -- http://www.canadianweb.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. A Letter From the Trojan Condom Company ****************************************** (Note: This is a real letter) Dear Mr. Shlypdych, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms. Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you. We send greetings and sympathy for your lady. Sincerely, Dick Burly, President Trojan Condom Company Inc. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6.Majors Madness **************** By: Major major_20@hotmail.com Hello i am righting this article to teach you some things about the action that we all enjoy and do everyday or every few weeks and this is "Jerking." Now as i start i would just like to advise to you that the things i will talk about are very erousing and also if you do these too much you may hurt your self so i advise only jerk once everyday at the most! Now if you are a prepubesent bastard and do not know how to jerk here is how you can start off right. Step One: take lubrication and put it on your penis. Step Two: take your normaly used hand and grab your penis now its normally g00d to have a towel in the room with some porno mags. Step Three: now your almost on your way to enjoyment take your hand gripping the penis and start going up and down on the penis you will get very excited fast and the lube will feel great! Step Four: Watch it flow!!!! Now that you newbies know how to jerk the old skool way you can make it like your a hard core jerking .....guy as i have shown to you how to jerk , this is only one way to do it there are many others but i will not ruin it an give you these other methods all at once so i will keep them for later to keep you practicing on the one i just taught you!! I know this is short but i wanted to make it short so that i didnt bore you anyways i will say good bye for now and just leave on one last note about my next issue: animal sex: how to and animals that are good more jerking more jerking maybe how to pimp your animals to your neighbors..? bye Major major_20@hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. Syko416's Conspiracy Theory #2 ********************************* Hey! Hey! This is my second conspiracy theory and this time it's a really easy one to spot. When you are done reading this, you will be like: "Why didn't I think of that?" I am going to prove to you that...... Parkay is Made of Shit! *********************** If you have a whole bunch of Parkay Margarine in your kitchen then maybe you should stop reading this article now but if you like to eat shit, then by all means keep reading. Anyways, on with the investigation, It's very easy to find out if Parkay is made of crap. All you have to do is ask this one question: "Is Parkay Margarine made of shit?" To answer the question, all you have to do is spell Parkay backwards. Now, here's the question and answer: Is Parkay Margarine made of shit? Yakrap (Ya, Krap) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Windows 98: The Texan Version ******************************** It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Texas. If you have one of the Texas editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Texas edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic disc thangs. Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. OK = ats aww-right reset = awa shoot yes = shore no = Naaaa find = hunt-fer it go to = over yonder back = back yonder help = hep me out here shutdown = ternit off start = crank it up settings = sittins programs = stuff at does stuff documents = stuff I done done Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. Sincerely yours, Billy Bob Gates ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. News ******* $1M loan scam busted Toronto Sun, June 25, 1998 Two people are charged with a bogus loan broker scam which targeted US victims and netted more than $1 million. Ajoint forces police operation executed 27 search warrants on Tuesday, raiding telemarketing boiler rooms and rooms throughtout the Toronto Area. Police allege the boiler rooms operated as 40 different companies, advertising themselves as a loan consolidation service. People who responded to ads in the US were required to pay an advance fee, but police allege the victims never heard back from the companies after sending the money. Police said no loans were given to US applicants. Sgt. Jim Muscat said two people charged won't be extradited to the United States. Charles Leslie Card, 28, of Toronto, and Amanda Francis, 22, of Scarborough, are charged with fraud over $5,000. - Rob Lamberti ********************* Teen on Web fraud rap By Jonathan Kingstone Toronto Sun, February 9, 1999 A Scarborough teen has been charged after police seized hundreds of credit card numbers used in a scam to purchase electronic equipment. The 17-year-old -- recruited on an Internet chat line -- was picked for his computer knowledge by a sophisticated and well-organized fraud ring, police said. Det.-Const. Paul Chantler said the youth was passed 700 valid credit card numbers -- along with detailed client profiles -- of customers of a U.S.-based computer company. Police aren't sure whether the information was released illegally by someone in the company or if it was obtained by a computer hacker who broke into the firm's database. Chantler said the Grade 12 student was sent a list of Web sites of mail-order companies and instructed to buy everything from hard drives to videotapes with the stolen credit card numbers. The purchases were delivered to the homes of neighbours when they were known to be out and picked up by the teen, who later turned them over in exchange for a commission, roughly $50 an item, Chantler said. After several deliveries the courier tipped police when he became concerned that no one was ever home. Police kept one of the homes under surveillance for the past month. A teen was arrested last Wednesday when he went to claim $1,000 worth of goods paid for with the credit card of a Georgia resident. Investigators have been unable to locate the scam's ringleaders -- who used aliases when dealing with the teen -- or determine the total amount defrauded. Police seized the teen's computer during a search of his home. The youth, who can't be named because of his age, faces fraud and theft charges. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Top Ten *********** The top ten gayest nick I've seen on IRC 10. Zerocool (very original eh?) 9. Spicegrrl (this person doesn't know how to spell gril, I mean, girl) 8. Gay (/whois gay) 7. phrznghst (I'd like to buy a vowel) 6. Masterb8(ing) 5. NO_nick (I am sorry that's pretty gay) 4. me_away (if you are away, why are you here?) 3. NiNiNiN (Nine Inch Nuns In North Iceland Now) 2. PaulXTroy (inside joke) 1. k0lin (this asshole stole my channel, but I got back at him ;) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Jokes ********* Question ******** Q: What can a bird do that men can't? A: Whistle through its pecker. The Pickle Slicer ***************** Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." Spoons ****** A man walked into a restaurant and sat at the only available table. A few moments passed and he accidentally knocked the spoon off from his table. His waiter came and from his front pocket pulled out another spoon. The customer was impressed and said, "Wow, why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?". The waiter replied, "Well we recently had an efficiency expert here who said 17.8% of our customers knock there spoon off the table, so by carrying spoons in our pockets we work more efficiently." Time passed and the customer finished his meal. When the waiter came back to give the customer the check, the customer said, "I hope this doesn't sound rude but do you know that you have a string attached to your zipper?", the waiter replied, "Yes, it seems that the same efficiency expert said we spend to much time washing our hands. You see this string is connected to my penis and when I go to the bathroom I pull out the string, and since I don't touch my penis and I don't have to wash my hands." The customer then said, " Well how do you get your penis back inside your pants?". The waiter replied, "Well I don't know about the other guys but I use the spoon!" The Flea ******** A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes into take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: If you want to write for Sykotic Times, send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I'll put ANYTHING in here. I think I proved that with Major's article :P IRC Hang outs: Efnet - #fosc Shout outs to: ch4x, fosc, and Hack Canada. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Emails; Syko416 syko416@hotmail.com Major major_20@hotmail.com Always Remember, You can't spell believe without Lie. IBM - I Blame Microsoft Flipmode iz da squad If anyone know the URL for "warez the warez" email me at: syko416@hotmail.com In next issue: Spring Break Street date: Mid-March (March 13)