*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 6 ** ** Spring Break 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Rules For Being A Man by: Syko416 3. Rules For Being A Woman by: Syko416 4. Fix your enemies by: RickDaPrick 5. Some Twisted Pranks by: Syko416 6. Signs That You Are Too drunk by: Syko416 7. Long Live Jerking by: Major 8. Pick Up Lines by: Syko416 9. Things Not To Say During Sex by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jackster's Manifesto by: Korben 12. News by: Syko416 13. Jokes by: Syko416 14. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^^^^^ Look! 4 different writers!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial ************ Yeah! Spring Break is here!! You know what that means, NO SCHOOL!! and here's the First Annual Sykotic Times Spring Break Issue. Is there any thing different in this ezine? no, it just comes out in the middle of the month. The only reason that I am making a spring break issue is cuz I have tons of files and I want to put them in here before I forget. Anyways, enjoy the issue. Syko BTW: If you've noticed, there are 4 different writtens in this issue. Keep the articles coming. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Rules For Being A Man ************************* - If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. - Name your penis - Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it. - Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. - Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask. People will think you have no penis. - Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. - Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. - One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. - Deny everthing. Everything. - EVERY WOMEN WANTS YOU! - No means yes. - If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. - Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. - Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass. - Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. - At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 50%). - A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. - Dis your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Dis her again. Repeat cycle. - Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it. - If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. - Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's name. - Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. - Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc. - Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. - If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. - You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. - You are male, therefore you are superior. - Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. - Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. - Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. - If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. - Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? - If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know." - Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. - Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. - If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. - Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily. - If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?" - Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. - If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. - The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. - Default facial expression: blank stare. - Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and to have anal sex with your girlfriend(s) - If you do something bad enough, you will never be asked to do that thing again. - Beer. Then more beer. - One word: FOOTBALL! - Admit nothing. Deny everthing. Make counter accusations. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Rules For Being A Woman *************************** - If a man doesn't know what he did wrong, simply say: "If you don't know then I am not going to tell you" - Shopping solves EVERY problem. - Only have sex after a month of dating. - Oral Sex isn't sex. - Always ask you boyfriend: "Does this make me look fat?" - Men are immature - Men only want sex. You can control a man by using sex as a reward, and make a man do ANYTHING. - All men hate the Opera, so take him there on the second date. (and the third, and fourth, etc) - When you and your date go to the movies, always go and see the most boring movie being shown, or a movie that your date hates. - Make your boyfriend watch Titanic at least 10 times. - ALWAYS bug your boyfriend when he's watching a football game. - When you and your boyfriend are watching TV, always complain about the show that he picks. - Shave all the hair on your body, budy leave the hair on your head. - Take money from your boyfriend to get a Make-over. - When you are sad, go get your hair done. - Spending you boyfriend's money is fun. - If you are visiting an other country, and you meet a cute guy, tell him that it is custom, in your country, for the boyfriend to pay ALL your bills. - No matter what you boyfriend says, he's wrong. - The best thing you can give a man is you virginity. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. Fix your enemies * by: RickDaPrick * rickdaprick@email.com * ************************* Quick Fixes For Assholes: "Exaust Pipe Repair" - stuff it with a potato....take this old prank one step beyond the norm....use a broom handle to really push the spud way up in the pipe. The recipent will have to have the pipe removed to get his French Fries. Wait for a rainy night, drive by assholes house, pitch out several Chlorine based "toilet tablets"...this will cause brown spots forever. (swimming pool chlorine beads work great too). The local library is a great source of "business reply cards". Sign the guy up for anything with a free card. Mag's, newspapers. A few of my favorites: ICS Corrospondence schools, Teddy Bear magizine, book clubs, and the ever popular Columbia house. (I once sent a stupid girl a box of ISDN books worth $400) Do a search for the words "Free&Sample" on your favorite search engine. Sign the person up for literature by Phone, snail Mail and E-mail. Also write this in the comment section: "have a salesperson contact me first thing in the morning...i'm very interested". Some examples: Time share condos, Doggie biscuts, Female Condoms, Sample butter....etc Go to the post office and check out the wanted posters....call local police from a safe location and say that the person who's pic you saw at post office is hanging out at assholes house. Tip: steal the wanted poster...fax it to the police office....wait a couple of days then try this trick! Check the blue pages of your phone book for government offices that might assist in your harrassment.....I once had the city install a speed bump right in front of a pricks house. Everytime a car came thru you could hear a loud thump and then the engine rev up as the car sped back up. Also call the city and complain that a traffic signal near asshole's house is on the blink......they will send out a crew and a cop to direct traffic....this really snarls things during rush hours. Dump a large pile of trash outside a local business (after hours). Include several documents (ie: Magizines, business cards, letterhead etc) with assholes name & address printed on it. The irate property owner will be pissed & asshole is sure to get a visit from the cops. (if can verify that asshole has caller ID): While asshole is at work, Go to local Government offices and call his house but do not leave a message. Suggestions : IRS office, City property assessors office, even the phone company or a local gay bar. If you need help getting to use the phone just say " I was supposed to meet Mr. XXX here at 3pm...He is not here May I use your phone to call his office?" This is sure to intice parinoia when he check's his caller ID. This is also a case where it is handy to have a cop's pager number! One of the cleanest ways to harrass him: Call a shit-load of pager numbers late at night.....Put in his number followed by 911. HA-HA you know the rest! Call a local bottled water service and have a cooler & 10 jugs of water delivered to his house. Sign him up for a long term contract if possible. This also works great with: Roofing companies,Lawn services, guttering installers, insulation companies and vinyl siding. There was an asshole who owned a Gas station/Convience store that refused to take a check from a friend of mine.... after much thought my friend called our states "environment hotline" and complained that he could smell gas and that there was dead grass in the vacintity of the assholes store. The state sent out an inspector who ordered the gas pumps turned off for 48 hours while he took soil samples and conducted test of his underground gas tanks (it wound up costing the owner $1400 in testing fees, not to mention lost business) MY ABSOULUTE ALL TIME FAVORITE: There was an asshole who repeatedly parked his car so that a friend of mine could not get his car out of a parking lot. My friend goes to a nearby payphone and calls a wrecker service and says: "this is Doctor Jones, I am at 2110 Oxnard Street and my car has broken down blocking the ParkRite parking lot exit. I am taking a cab back to the hospital due to an emergency. Please tow my car to Atwood Ponitac and tell them the transmittion has gone out and needs immdediate repair...I will be down there as soon as I get out of surgery" Fifteen minutes later a tow truck pulls up and drags the mighty Pontiac away. We couldn't resitst... so later that afternoon we go down to Atwood Pontiac to "look at some cars"......The service manager must have told the mechanic to "break it down" because the transmission was in pieces when we walked by (trying to keep a straight face). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Some Twisted Pranks ********************** Here are some pranks I thought up. Well, they aren't really pranks, more like stuff that you dare people to do. 1. Go into a public washroom. Go into a stall (make sure that there's someone in the stall next to you) Take a Chocolate bar (Mars and Sneakers work the best) take it out of the wrapper, and mush it in one of your hands. Make sure it still kind of looks like a log. When the chocolate bar melted and your hand is a big mess, ask the guy nest to you to pass you some toliet paper and put the hand with all the shit on it under the stall wall. Ok, well, this one you can't really do but still funny (and pretty fucking sick) 2. You need to be a Medical Student for this to work. (or at least have access to a dead body, *hopefully* without killing anyone.....) What you do is go to get body that is a couple days old so that you can cut off body parts without having tons of blood everywhere. Cut off the dead guy's dick. Put it in your pocket and leave. Go to a washroom that is REALLY crowded. Go (with the dick in your pocket) up to a free urinal and stand there a few moments. Then, suddenly step back, and (dead dick in hand) make a ripping motion, say in a *REALLY* loud voice:"THIS DAMN THING *NEVER* WORKS!!!" and throw it into the urinal (or on the floor) and storm out. 3. Go into a porn theatre with a small water gun filled with Jergens hand lotion. Sit in the back row (or in the bacony). After about 1 minute into the movie, start firing it at people in front of you. People do NOT react well when they get a squirt of what they think is cum. 4. Take a screw and put it in your pocket. Go into a night club that is packed with chicks, and when a girl comes up to you, offer her the screw and say, "Wanna screw?" Well, that's all I can think of right now. More to come, if I think of any more. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK ******************************* - You lose arguments with inanimate objects. - You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. - Job interfering with your drinking. - Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. - Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. - The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. - Sincerely believe alcohol is the exlcusive 5th food group. - 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! - Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! - You can focus better with one eye closed. - The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. - You fall off the floor... - Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. - Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! - Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. - At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is.... uh..." - Your idea of cutting back is less salt. - You wake up in your underwear, but you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. - The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... - You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Sex. - Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. - Roseanne Barr looks good. - Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. - THAT DAMN PINK ELEPHANT FOLLOWED YOU HOME AGAIN! - Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. - You're as jober as a sudge. - You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7.Long Live Jerking * By: Major * * ************************ Well as i have been thinking about different jerking techniques, I cant tell them all to you in this one issue :(. Thus i will think as i write what to put down here basically everything you are reading i am just writing out without any rough drafts or anything! Well here it goes for my next issue! ******************** Jerking (old style)* ******************** I know this is probably gonna be old and a really boring jerking methos but think of your childhood days of when you didnt know about handcream or the different hand positions, werent those the golden days of excitement? So lets be young again and talk about how to jerk old styles! First of all these are your materials your hand (right or left) and your tissue or blanket whatever and lastly your porno! (unless you can visualize porns or something but i fin i always think of something different anyways......... thats all you need to know unless you are really dumb and do not know that you grab your dick and go up and down but you should at least have some common sense. ************************************ pimping animals(neighbors whatever)* ************************************ This part is pretty easy and there are different ways of doing this, ok what you do is get one of those old ladies wh has like 20 catz and just take one when she lets the outdoor ones out that way she probably has bad eye sight and she cant chase you! The best way to get a cat is to go out one night and look around for one of those roaming outdoor cats and just take it! easy no? after you have like a few animals you can either take one to a bum or somethnig and like sell it to him for like 5 bucks(they normally have money for there food for the next day) and tell him that the cat/dog has magical powers and can make him food or create money (this probably works on crazies) , at this point why wouldnt he buy it ? so you just made money! You can also sell the cat in the paper or something say it is a taling cat or it can do like 50 tricks that way when someone comes just say it only does it after you give him a treat in a quiet area or something? **************** shower problems* **************** Ok this subject is scary to any strait man like me that goes in a public pool shower! Yea you already know it right? well if you dont its the problem of having faggots walk behind you and ram you in the ass(yuck!). Luckil;y this hasnt happened to me but i wear shorts when i bathe in public showers! thas how you protect yourself from fags that ram! if you wear shorts they cant do anything but just in case never bend over! you never know what one will do! but for you faggots in the shower FUCK OFF MAN AND STOP RAMMING LITTLE KIDS AND OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ASS!!!!!!! ******** the end* ******** well this concludes my article:( i cant really think of anything education to write about? I also do not know if i will ever write another article thus being i just don feel like it much but hey i always do this with some things, i just get bored then get back into what i was donig again later! well we shall see how everything goes for now and the future. later major ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Pick Up Lines **************** I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. I've been trying to meet a person like you for hours. Perhaps you recognize me from adult movies. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met...today. Can I be your slave for tonight? What lovely eyes you have, are they yours or did you buy them? Would you come back to my place and pet my dog? Be different, say yes. Motel spelled backward is letom. Hi, I'm a millionaire. Would you like to take a shower? I'm filthy rich and have 6 weeks to live. Hi, you might remember me from the movie: "Big Dick Nick" My rank is a naval inspector. Let's go to your place for an inspection. Wanna get LUCKY!?!?!! Hi! I'm choking, I need mouth to mouth. Hi, are THOSE really yours? I'm lost. Which way to your house? There's something about you that I like. I can put my finger in it. There are two things about you that I like. I can I lick them? You'll do. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?? You are the proof that God has a sense of humor. Baby, I got a backstage pass to your ass! I'll bet you ten bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds. I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck? Do you believe in one night stands? Let's take a shower together, you smell. Look slut!! You're not gonna get anyone better than me. He: Would you sleep with me for 20 million dollars? She (sheepishly): Yes. He: Well then, would you sleep with me for 20 cents? She: No, what kind of woman do you think I am? He: We've established what kind of woman that you are, we're just haggling over the price. He: Excuse me, want to dance? She: No. He: Maybe you didn't hear me... I said you look really fat in those pants! He: You're gorgeous. I'd really love to invite you out sometime. She: No, thanks. She: Aw, c'mon! Lower you're standards a little. *I* did... Gal: *SLAP!*SLAP!* He: I guess a blow job is out of the question, then? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. Things not to say during sex ******************************** -That's it? -You've got to be kidding me. -(phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you? -Do I have to pay for this? -You look better in the dark. -I thought that goes in the other hole... -You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it). -zzzzzzzzzzzz. -Are you trying to be funny? -Are those real? -By the way, I want to break up. -Is that smell coming from you? -Haven't you ever done this before? -Wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly). -Do you know what some female spiders do after sex? -You're so much like your sister... -What's your name again? -A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time! -But you just started! -You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know! -Smile for the camera, honey! -Take off that damn monkey glove! -Get your hand out of there! -I think the condom broke about 10 minutes ago. -I knew you wore a padded bra! -God, that is small! -Hold on, let me change the channel... -Who smells like fish? -Is it OK if my mom (and/or dad) joins in? -Your best friend does it much better. -Hope you don't mind I left my boots on. -You're fogging up the wind shield. -Stop moaning, you sound so stupid. -You know, you're not really attractive. -I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. -What, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate! -Stop interrupting me! -Your breath is funky. -Is it OK if I call someone, its OK though, keep going... -Its OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger. -God I wish you were a real woman. -Why can't you ever shave your legs? -Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... Shit. -Your breast milk is like my mom's... -You're hairy! -Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end. -Is it OK if I never see you again? -Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat? -You're boring. -I like your tits. -Suck my dick, bitch. -How come we each have a penis? -Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me! -Your ass is hairy (the guy says this). -Just use your finger, its bigger. -Does your family have to watch? -We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too. -Get off me, I'll do it myself! -Can you hold this sandwich for me? -You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out. -The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk. -My mom taught me this... -How cute... Peach fuzz! -Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours! -This is my pet rat, Larry... -I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker! -I was once a man... -Wanna see me take out my glass eye? -No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that! -Is it OK if I tell my friends about this? -I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly! -You wanted me to use a condom????? -You're no better than my brother! -Mooooo! -I Wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there. -Hurry up, I'm late for a date. -OK start... Oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE?! -I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock? -Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer. -You got boogies showing. -(start reciting the 10 Commandments) -I think I just shit on your bed. -Of course I don't love you. -Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t. -Does it always look like that? -Hold still: I can pop that for you. -Fat doesn't bother me. It doesn't turn me on, but it doesn't bother me. -I think that's disgusting but if it means that much to you, go ahead. -If my roommate walks in just ignore him. He's harmless. -Here, kitty, kitty...dammed cat, get *in* here! -I feel so alone when we have sex. -This is sexual harassment, and I don't have to take it. -If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. -Who do you think you'll vote for? -If I were to die right now... -So, I went to the doctor today... I've got hemorrhoids. -I think I'm going to vomit. -Oops. The Pepto-Bismol didn't work. -Is that as deep as it can go? -Where's The Beef? -How much time do I have left? -That was YOUR daughter? -Can't we finish this later...like in the next century? -You know, I should charge you for this. -Oh boy, Letterman is on! -Damn, and I thought your mother was good in bed. -I sure hope you don't have AIDS, I'd hate to catch that again. -Don't worry, I'll just use the one ion my wallet. -I haven't been this excited since.... -So ... How old's your sister? -Did I forget, silly me, it's my time of the month!!! -Excuse me while I get the willies just reliving that one. -It's true!! girls are much better than sheep. -I look older than twelve, don't I? -You're a nurse. What does it mean when it hurts when you pee? -Hey call your dad in here--that would be so cool!!! -You have my mother's eyes... -How about, you moan almost as loud as your mom, but not quite. -You suck it like an ice cream cone. -You brought the condoms, right? -What's your last name? -I only believe in fivesomes. -The condom is on inside out. -Do you believe in bestiality? -I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig. -Wait! I need my teddy bear. -You broke my nail! -Are you a virgin? -Jeez! You're better than Mum. -I wanna go muff diving. -My dad did it differently -Huh? I'm sorry. I fell asleep. -Who needs birth control? -The ceiling needs painting. -Swallowing is a lot neater. -Do you mind if I draw blood? -Ever lick someone's anus? -My ex was much better. -Your ex was much better. -I'm hungry for some hair pie. -You don't mind if I film this, do you? -Can I beat you with my love stick? -Why don't you just bend over and smile. -I forgot to lock the door. -Leave the TV on. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Top Ten ************ Top Ten Alternative Titles for Sykotic Times 10. The Zine 9. TIZ (The Icy Zone) 8. Sykotic Mimes 7. Jaxter Monthly 6. Sykotixxx 5. ch3x 4. Northern Phun 3. ch1x 2. Bill Clinton's "Hand" Book 1. The Shit Pile ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Jackster's Manifesto ************************ My name is victor I am a jackster This is our world now, the world of the lubricant and of the pr0n, the beauty of the hand. U call us, fags, homos, queers and try to make us belive it's ok to be. Yet we're the losers........ Yes I'm a jackster. My crime is that of curiosity. I'm a jackster and this is my manifesto you may stop this individual masterbater but you cant stop us all because were all alike :-0<====== ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. News ******** Fighting back against mail fraud By Pat Dawson NBC Nightly News, June 3, 1998 Telemarketers ply their trade. Investigators say that senior citizens are most likely to be targeted by illegal telemarketing and mail fraud schemes. The Federal Trade Commission estimates that about $3 billion a year is stolen through phoney telemarketing schemes and mail fraud. Investigators say that criminals’ most frequent targets are the elderly but that may be about to change. Angry senior citizens and a group of government agencies are mounting an effort that will help put a stop to the abuse. PAT EUSTLER IS a kind of detective. She’s a retired school teacher who now helps track down those who prey on older Americans. She’s part of a growing group of retirees in Arizona and elsewhere who track down con men and warn the people they target for rip-offs. The old saying goes ‘if it’s too good to be true, it probably is,’ says Eustler. And that’s the saying that we’re trying to get across to these people. Lou Johnson is the kind of person that Pat Eustler can and does help. Johnson got a call from a telemarketer at his home in Orange, New Jersey. The 67-year-old former paratrooper and retired police officer was told he’d won a Canadian sweepstakes. "I told my wife we’d won something," says Johnson." They told me on the phone." The scammers told Johnson to claim prizes worth thousands of dollars, and that all he needed to do was mail them $200 for a customs fee. He sent the money but that was the last he heard from them. "That’s the first time I fell for something like this and it’ll be the last," says Johnson. The scam was typical of telemarketing fraud cases and so was Johnson’s response. He got steaming mad. Today Johnson volunteers as part of a strike force, consisting of state and federal officials and the American Association of Retired Persons, that is dedicated to identifying and prosecuting rip-off artists. Such groups are cropping up all over the nation and owe their existence to outraged senior citizens like Johnson who want to prevent others from making mistakes like the ones they made. How do the scams work? They usually begin with a pitch that comes over the phone or through the mail a pitch that offers a valuable prize in exchange for a small processing or handling fee. That first transaction, if successful, can lead to a string of other calls and payments few of which ever lead to the prizes that are promised. It’s big business. The Federal Trade Commission estimates that at least $3 billion is stolen this way each year. And the primary victims are the elderly. One project, called "Senior Sting" has elderly volunteers examine mail for come-ons like the prize offer that’s too good to be true. And some seniors are using the scammers’ own tools against them. Prior victims are called "mooches" and con men sell each other computerized records called "mooch lists." Volunteers obtained those lists and now are warning potential victims. Is it working? After some training, a woman in Wisconsin knew what to do: Telemarketer: "You, Margaret have been selected as this year’s triple star recipient for the state of Wisconsin." Margaret: "Well, you can just go give it to somebody else." Law enforcement officials say such training is the best way to protect those who are, too often, the most vulnerable. It’s also a perfect way for older Americans to send a message back to the con men. ************************* Women Sue State Over Vibrator Bam Yahoo News, February 18/99 HUNTSVILLE, Ala. (Reuters) - A lawyer asked a federal judge Wednesday to strike down an Alabama law banning the sale of vibrators, saying the statute was a government invasion into the bedrooms of people pursuing "perfectly normal" activities. "We just think this demonstrates a bias toward conduct that is perfectly normal," lawyer Mark Lopez, of the American Civil Liberties Union, told U.S. District Judge Lynwood Smith. Smith heard arguments in a lawsuit filed by a group of women who oppose a law enacted last year that bans the sale of vibrators and other sex toys. He took the case under advisement but did not indicate when he would rule on the matter. The suit names several women as plaintiffs, including B.J. Bailey, who sells sexual aids and novelties at parties, and Sherri Williams, who owns romance boutiques in Huntsville and Decatur, Alabama. "It's a $10,000 fine and a year of hard labor if you get caught selling vibrators," said Williams. "This is not a stereotypical sex shop," Williams said of her business, Loving Enterprises Inc. "We do candles and chocolates and lingerie, all the ingredients for a romantic evening. It just so happens that sex toys are one of those ingredients." Last year, the Alabama Legislature passed an anti-obscenity statute that outlawed strip clubs and barred the sale of items to enhance sex, including vibrators and certain kinds of condoms. "They set out to eliminate strip clubs, but along the way they snuck in sex toys," Williams said. "Not only did they take away your entertainment, but when they were done they also took away your right to entertain yourself." Courtney Tarver, representing the state, pointed out that the law banned only the sale - not the use - of vibrators. "We see the legislature acting within its powers," he said. ************************* China Uncovers Nearly 100 Computer Hacking Cases Yahoo News, February 23/99 SHANGHAI (Reuters) - China cracked some 100 cases of computer hacking last year, ranging from mischief to serious crime, the International Finance News said Tuesday. Public Security officials estimated that the uncovered cases represented just 15 percent of true activity, and with growing use of computers the crime was proliferating at an alarming 30 percent a year, the newspaper said. Some 95 percent of China's computer networks linked to international ones had fallen prey to attempts by hackers -- called ``hei ke'' or ``black guests'' in Chinese -- from inside and outside the country, it said. Banks, financial institutions and securities houses were the main targets, but most cases were not reported for commercial reasons, it said. The newspaper said most hackers were young people who attacked networks to show off their programming skills, and many escaped arrest as China has no specific laws for prosecuting electronic break-ins. But in one prominent case last year, China sentenced to death two brothers who broke into a bank's computer network and stole 260,000 yuan ($31,400). They were prosecuted for theft. Hao Jinglong, an accountant at a branch of the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China in the eastern province of Jiangsu, and his brother Hao Jingwen electronically wired non-existent deposits into their accounts and withdrew the funds, official media have reported. In another case unreported by state media, an official Chinese Website dedicated to promoting Beijing's view of human rights was defaced last year by a foreign hacker outside China who labeled it propaganda. China maintains strict control over the Internet, including blocking sites which it deems politically sensitive or pornographic. ************************* Ad seen in the The New York Times last week... FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything. ************************ Thrill-Seeking Teens Dunk Tampons In Vodka Yahoo News, March 3/99 HELSINKI (Reuters) - Some teen-age Finnish girls are experimenting with tampons dipped in vodka as a way of getting tipsy without parents detecting boozy breath, an anti-drinking group said Tuesday. The group's executive director said he had received reports of individual cases of girls in eastern Finland using alcohol-soaked tampons, hoping the alcohol would then enter their bloodstreams. "I believe tampons are supposed to keep things in and not let them seep out," Tapio Jaakkola at the Irti Huumeista drug and alcohol center told Reuters. "Drinking through the mouth is probably still the best way for alcohol to be absorbed," he said. High alcohol consumption in Finland is sometimes a source of embarrassment for this conservative Nordic society, with many commentators worried more liberal liquor laws introduced in recent years have increased drinking among young people. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. Jokes ********* It's Not Viagra **************** There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex lately so the man went to a doctor and told him about their problems and the doctor prescribed a pill for the man to take. The doctor warned that if the man took more than one pill the side effects could be damaging. The man made sure to take only one pill and he had the best sex of his life! He went back to the doctor and told him the good news. The doctor said that it was great but warned to take only one pill. The doctor started to worry after a week and a half had gone by and he hadn't heard from the man so he decided to go and make a house call. When he got to the house he saw the mans son on the front porch and noticed he was crying. The doctor asked why he was crying and the boy replied, "Mommy is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and daddy is running around the house calling, here kitty, kitty, kitty! Marks On Chests *************** A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my oyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?" Superman and Wonder Woman ************************* Superman is horny one day so he decides to fly over to get it on with Wonder Woman. As he approaches her skyscraper, he notices her sunbathing next to the pool on the roof. As he descends upon her he sees that she appears to be having an erotic dream, for she is writhing and panting. "What luck!", thinks Superman as he zaps off his uniform and lets Wonder Woman have it with lightning speed. He zaps his uniform back on and blasts off. Wonder Woman suddenly opens her eyes and asks, "What was that?" The Invisible Man replies, "I'm not sure, but my ass is sure sore!" A Japanese Hooker ****************** An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful Japanese girl who speaks little English, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway. So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She starts yelling this Japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy! He's never had it so good. So the next morning, he's golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out. The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right hole..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Emails: ******* Syko416 syko416@hotmail.com Rick Da Prick rickdaprick@email.com Major major_20@hotmail.com Korben creeled@hotmail.com IRC Hang outs: Efnet - #ch4x, #fosc Undernet - #hackcanada Shout outs to: ch4x, and Hack Canada. Afro Squad iz da Squad In next issue: The Caramilk Secret Street date: April 1/99