*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 17 ** ** Back To School 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Phun with Three way calling by: Bio Numeric 3. Real Excuses by: Syko416 4. 25 Fun Things to during an Exam by: Syko416 5. Science Notes by: Syko416 6. Political Correct Schools by: Syko416 7. Getting Sweets of 1p by: ISP Law UK (Look! ST is now International!!!) 8. Dead Isn't Always Dead: Part 3 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Letters by: Readers Like You 13. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ Students =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ Oh god, it's that time again. The time that every parent has been waiting for since the beginning of Summer, and that every kid dreads. That's right, It's time for school yet again :( No more sleeping late, and staying up all night, no, now you have to get up in time to get to FUCKING SCHOOL!!! anyways, since everyone hates this time of the year, we (me) at Sykotic Times are trying to make it a bit funnier. This whole issue is spoking fun at school. Enjoy and don't worry, it's only 15 weeks until christmas vacations. Also, I'd like to speak my mind about the whole George Bush Cocaine thing, why do people care if he did cocaine? Most people have done at least one type of drug. I know I am not an american (thank god!) but I am sick of hearing all this shit! Just look at Canada's Prime Minister, Jean Chretien, everyone KNOWS he did drugs, but no one cares. Why can't US be like that? :P =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Phun with Three way calling compiled by Bio Numeric ---------------------------------------------------------------------- As i have said in many files before this a phreakers has a duty to really piss people off when they have crossed their path this file is just something phun that you can do while out beigh boxing , IT's very simple and any idiot can do it and it all ways get laughs out of you and your buddies. I got this idea from the book HACKERS written by Steven Levy truly a cool book for any one who is into the hack/phreak scene. The Book explains how this phreaker was busted by someone in the police department and one of his friends went to far and routed a porno line to the police Department , This really short phile explains how you can do the same thing to someone you really don't like . Ok by this stage in the file i'm assuming you already have a victim or someone you really want to piss off and you have a beige box ( you really don't need this but it's a good idea if you don't want to pay for this ) . Clip the beige box into someone's line , dail 1-473-407-7139 and wait until the recorded message is past the billing part now hit the FLASH button on your biegh box if you don't have one simply briefly depress the hang up thing and wait until you get another dail tone, once you have been given the dial tone this is your chance dial the number you want to route the porn line to and wait until they pick up when they do hit flash or the hang up thing until you here the porn line again you have just routed the porn line to their house , free of charge . LOL at least to you . and him ok everyone except for the telephone company has to pay for it. and you get a laugh and well revenge. have phun and don't get caught . Happy Boxing. Http://www.deathsdoor.com/stalgar =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Real Excuses *************** The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque Public School System by parents of students: 1.Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 2.Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 3.Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 4.Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 5.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 6.Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. 7.Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. 8.My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. 9.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 10.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 11.Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 12.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 13.Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. 14.Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating. 15.George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. 16.Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. 17.Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 18.Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. 25 Fun Things to during an Exam ********************************** 1. Bring cheerleaders. 2. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 3. Bring pets. 4. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 5. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 6. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 7. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 8. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly. 9. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. 10. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 11. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 12. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 13. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 14. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 15. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 16. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 17. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 18. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 19. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 20. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 21. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 22. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 23. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 24. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 25. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. Science Notes ***************** This Science Notes are REAL. Students actually said these things. (Note most of the students were 5th and 6th graders) Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. The law of gravity says: "no fair jumping up without coming back down" When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. (this guy is going to do well in college! *haha*) South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days. Lime is a green-tasting rock. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high flying fogs. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places. The wind is like the air, only pushier. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. Political Correct Schools ***************************** - No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired." - You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." - Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." - These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." - Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." - Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." - Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience." - You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." - You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." - You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." - You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." - No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." - You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." - You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal." - You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." - You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." - It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." - The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Getting Sweets of 1p by ISP Law UK Have you ever seen one thos things that are full of sweets (mainly jelly beans) and you put 20p in it and turn the knob round and you get a stingy amount of sweets out of it. Well follow the instruction and you can get it for 1p. 1-Get a 1p peice and a a small peice of paper, make sure it not to thinck or to thin 2-Neatly wrap the paper round the 1p 3-Now insert the 1p and paper into the slot 4-Now turn the knob round and you should get the same amount of sweets as you would for 20p I know this works because i have done it many times. If you mess don,t give up it normal keep trying again. Thats it from me and look out for other text files of mine E-Mail-T0SPolice@hotmail.com The 0 in T0S is a ZERO =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. Dead Isn't Always Dead Part: 3 ********************************* Jim was awaken by an owl's Hooting and was started. He looked around and saw nothing except blackness and tombstones. He glanced at his watch and saw it was 11:53pm. "Oh Shit!" Jim said out loud. Then it hit him. He was in a graveyard. At night. It's almost midnight. On Halloween!! "I have to get out of here!" Jim said as he raced towards the front of the graveyard. Towards a gate. A Gate? Jim didn't remember seeing a gate on his way in. He ran up to it. It was locked. "Fuck!" Jim tried to climb the gate, and then the walls, but it was no good. They were about 20 feet high and impossible to climb. "Probably used to keep grave robbers out," Jim thought out loud, "and keep ghosts and zombies in" Jim didn't like the idea of him being trapped in a graveyard at night, especially on Halloween. Jim believed that on Halloween, the spirits of the dead are released at midnight and are allowed to roam the earth until morning. This is why Jim thought there were high walls surrounding the graveyard, so they couldn't get out and hurt people. Jim quietly ran back to Megan's grave. He figured that it was the safest place in the graveyard. He figured that even if Megan came back to life, she wouldn't try to hurt him. At least that's what he thought . . . . To Be Continued . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* E-mail Calls You a 'Big Stupid Jerk' Friday August 27/99 Yahoo! News TOKYO (AP) - Japan's Fuji Bank Ltd. inadvertently sent out a virus-tainted e-mail that makes computers display a message calling the recipient a ``big stupid jerk,'' the bank said Friday. The bug was transmitted last week to investors worldwide via a memo detailing Fuji Bank's alliance with two other major Japanese banks, spokesman Hiroshi Takahashi said. The accident did not damage computers, and the bank has apologized to all recipients, he said. The virus, which also changed some of the names in the memo to "Dr. Mountain Dew," was sent from a personal computer temporarily in use by the company, Takahashi said. He added that the bank had "done everything" to eliminate the problem. **************** Melissa Virus Creator Fesses Up August 25, 1999 By Elinor Mills Abreu (Elinor Mills Abreu writes for the IDG News Service) Officials said today that the man arrested in connection with the Melissa virus has admitted to creating the virus, which proliferated quickly throughout computer systems in March and forced some companies to shut down their e-mail systems. David L. Smith, a 30-year-old from Aberdeen, N.J., admitted to investigators that he created the virus. His admission was included in documents submitted in Superior Court in Monmouth County, N.J., said Paul Loriquet, a spokesman for the New Jersey Attorney General's office. Smith was arrested in April on felony counts including interruption of public communications, theft of computer services and damage or wrongful access to computer services. He was released on $100,000 bail and faces $480,000 in fines and 40 years in prison if convicted. Smith has denied committing the offenses. His case is expected to be considered by a state grand jury, which would decide whether or not to indict him, Loriquet said today. "We expect some kind of resolution in September," said Loriquet, who declined to say whether a plea bargain is an option. Smith's attorney said he hadn't seen the documents in which his client is said to have admitted creating the virus, and so declined to comment on them. "We're confident Mr. Smith did not commit the crimes that are the basis for the (arrest) warrant," said attorney Ed Borden. Meanwhile, a judge today refused Borden's request that the Attorney General's office disclose information that officials used to base search warrants on, Borden said. "As soon as they release those, Mr. Smith will respond" to the charges, Borden said. Smith has not been indicted yet so he has not given a formal plea, but has denied guilt, Borden explained. The virus was spread through a Microsoft Word document with a macro virus attached to it, and Microsoft Exchange servers running Microsoft Outlook were vulnerable. The e-mail, usually bearing the name of someone the recipient knew, had a subject line that said, "Here is the document you asked for ... don't show anyone else ;-)." When a user opened the attachment the virus was then sent to the first 50 names in the user's address book. While considered more of a nuisance than malicious, the virus spread so quickly within one day that it forced the shut-down of e-mail systems at companies including Microsoft and Lucent. Agencies tracking it estimated that tens of thousands of users were affected. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten ************ Top Ten Signs You Are Going to a Bad School 10. The music teacher is M C Hammer(at least he finally found a job) 9. The sports equipment for the entire school consists of a whiffle ball and a bit of string 8. Punishment is being sent to the principals office and being forced to watch "Titanic" 7. The music department consists of a kazoo, a hammer, and a saw 6. The polish cooking teacher only teaches how to make polish sausage and ice 5. Not only does the food taste like rubber, it actually is rubber 4. Miss a homework, lose a finger 3. Three of your classes are in the boiler room 2. In biology class, the only activity is the dissection of a magic eight ball 1. Your homeroom teacher demands you call him "Kitty" =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Public Pool *********** Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" Penis ***** One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets." Medical Emergency ***************** A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?" "Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!." Premature Ejaculation ********************* A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me." Redneck Contest *************** Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you fill your tank. They pumped their gas and went up to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex" "Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant." The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second redneck. "Sorry, it's three," said the attendant. "Come back and try again." As they walked out to their car, one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged." "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week." It's Too Long ************* A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration,"is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Letters *********** From: Capitalist Bastard To: syko416@hotmail.com Subject: Airline Head Phones Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 16:45:12 -0700 Hey there, you could go and buy an adaptor, or if you look around on every plane made past 1978 (any ones your gonna be flying on) there is a port for plugging in your regular DiscMan head phones. The reason they sell the head phones is because people dont travel with a personal music devices so they dont have ear phones. Now here is a tip on _Any_ international flight to get free shit. Complain. When you get on the flight and they hand out the ear phones, buy one and break some part on it, then the next time you see the person tell him/her that they are broken and you didnt notice it until you put them in your ears, complain, bitch a little more, and you will find your self the proud owner of a set of little cupons good for free shit on the flight. I got 10 5$ off cupons of any coctails I wanted to have (odd thing was I did this when I was 13 but oh well :) and 10 cupons for free head sets. They dont expire and they arent relly collected unless you are getting Booze. I still have 20 head set cupons and when I am flying with some one who doesn't have ear phones I let them use them. Send Your Letters to: syko416@hotmail.com =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 13. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Emails: Syko416 - syko416@hotmail.com Bio Numeric - webmaster@phreakershaven.zzn.com ISP Law UK - T0SPolice@hotmail.com Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: The winning 6/49 numbers Street date: September 16/99