*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 24 ** ** Christmas 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. 12 Crappiest Days of Xmas by: Syko416 3. Letter from Santa by: Syko416 4. The X-Rated Night Before Christmas by: Syko416 5. Sex Kitten For Santa by: Dirty Dick 6. Christmas in Da Hood by: Syko416 7. Holiday Office Memo by: Syko416 8. It Happened At The Bank: Part 2 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ Santa? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ Here we are, on the eve of the new Millenium and what is everyone thinking? What happens at midnight? Will the world end at 12am on January 1st 2000? Well, if the world is going to end at midnight, which time zone will it be? It was man that invented the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the years, and the Calendar. If God is planning on destorying the world, he'll do it on his calendar, not man's. The End will come when no one expects it, but, who knows, the world might end at midnight. Maybe God is getting bored, and doesn't want to surprise us. We'll just have to wait and watch what happens. Be sure to check out these cool Christmas websites: EIB (Elves In Black) The first, last and only organization dedicated to preserving the Spirit of Christmas. (http://christmas.com/html/eib.html) Create your own Xmas newsletter From the makers of Create Your Own Porno (http://www.maddogproductions.com/xmas_newsletter.htm) Merry Christmas, Syko =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. 12 Crappiest Days of Xmas **************************** On the first day of Christmas We all lived happily I had affections for my lover And she had some for me. The second day of Xmas Really flew by quite fast We dreamed of the days to come And those that had just past The third day of Xmas Was definitely not so hot. I bought a gift for my sweetheart, Sadly, mine she forgot The fourth day was very much hell, For she found a brand new lover, I was determined that I would not cry For a love cure I'd try to discover The fifth day was spent mostly drinking I thought not of my amour, I woke up very late on the sixth day Passed out on my floor. The seventh day was spent planning Of the Revenge that would be mine I'd sleep with her mom, her friends and her cousins Perhaps all of them, if I had time. I spent the eighth day in jail, Because I followed her all of that day, I knew not the cops had followed me You'd think she planned it all this way The ninth day was spent with Bruno, My cell mate and new close friend He told me I was his puppy now And showed just how my back could bend. Day ten was in the infirmary Me and Bruno saw not eye to eye When told me I was his new lover I told him I'd rather die Day eleven was spent pleading in court The judge said I had originality Her lawyer pushed for more time in jail But I got off on a technicality Today is a big bright day twelve Things are going very well, I must say For I met my dear old lover just now She said her new boyfriend had turned gay. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Letter from Santa ******************** As Christmas approaches, I had to share the following "Letter from Santa", thanks to "Calvin &Hobbes" by Watterson. My hands were all shaky, My face had go pale. A letter from Santa Just arrived in the mail! It was hand written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said. "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my `Naughty/Nice' laws. So now I urge you: Be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are borish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your Peas! Never say `Thank you', `You're Welcome', or `Please'. Talk back to you Morher! Don't do as you're told! Stick your tounge out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I don't really care! Act like a jerk, Anytime, Anywhere! I'm changing the rule! The BAD girls and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get toys! Good kids make make me sick, it's no joke! Sincerely, signed Santa." ....And then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it. ... I'm just tryin' to have some fun! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. The X-Rated Night Before Christmas ************************************* T' was The Night Before Christmas And All Though The House Everybody Felt Shitty Even The Mouse, Mom At The Whorehouse And Dad Smoking Grass I'd Just Settled Down For A Nice Piece Of Ass, When Out On The Lawn I Heard Such A Clatter I Sprung From My Piece To See What Was The Matter, Then Out On The Lawn I Saw A Big Dick I Knew In A Moment It Must Be St. Nick He Came Down The Chimney Like A Bat Out Of Hell I Knew In A Moment The Fucker Had Fell, He Filled All Our Stockings With Pretzels And Beer And A Big Rubber Dick For My Brother The Queer, He Rose Up The Chimney With A Thunderous Fart The Son Of A Bitch Blew The Chimney Apart, He Swore And He Cursed As He Rode Out Of Sight Piss On You' All And Have A Hell Of A Night. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. Sex Kitten For Santa ************************ This is an actual song by Dirty Dick, If you want to hear it or buy his CD (the whole thing is filled with $hit like this) Go to: http://www.mp3.com/artists/21/dirty_dick.html I was drivin down the road bout xmas eve when I saw somethin you won't believe. It was santa in a sleigh with a bottle of jack. He had a hooker with a boob job over his back. She was stacked and young, very pretty you see I was hoping that hotty would be under my tree. Santa had one real obvious goal He was saving that kitten for his North Pole Sex Kittens For Santa Sex Kittens For Santa Ho Ho Ho is the only way to go Sex Kittens For Santa Sex Kittens For Santa They're all going down on his North Pole T-was the Night Before Christmas and all throught the sky A naked, bear ass, jolly guy Won't Mrs Claus be real surprized If she should see these Christmas thieghs He's checked his List, and he checked it twice Santa's been naughty, cuz she was real nice Now kids this story is true as all That Hooker was sacing his christmas balls Rosey red cheeks, they were shining bright That sleigh was a rocking that christmas night. I couldn't believe I was seeing the show She put her head in his lap and it started to snow Ho Ho Ho Go Santa Go (Lucky Devil) On Prancer, On Donner, On Rudalph, and Blitzen You stear the sleigh, while I some Miss Vixen The Reindeer were drunk and Santa was Stone Down on the ground, you could hear all the Moan There I stood All by myself wishing I was the Jolly old elf Santa's Balls, Santa's Balls Jingle all the way (He Put the X in Xmas I am sure) Sex Kittens For Santa Sex Kittens For Santa Ho Ho Ho is the only way to go (I don't believe this) Sex Kittens For Santa Sex Kittens For Santa They're all going down on his North Pole (oh no, not the Candle cane, that's disgusting) Mrs. Claus will never know about my pretty Christmas Ho so Drive the sleigh, but make it slow I don't get out much, you know Now the moral of this story is, even the best can fall with a nod and a wink of a breast So watch out boys this special day for Christmas ho's in a bright red sleigh Sex Kittens For Santa Sex Kittens For Santa Santa Claus is coming to town (that's an understatement) (Hey Rudalph, watch your back) =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. Christmas in Da Hood *********************** 'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good. The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill. Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live. And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine. All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly. I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass! well anyway.... I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness. I said, for real doe, come check dis out. We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh. Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!" He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!" To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!" He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move. I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack! But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz." Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin. He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat. I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?" he said,"You best get on up out my face!" His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold, His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old. He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side. Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide. A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof, He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome, To tap that big booty waitin' at home. And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty..... "WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!" =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Office Holiday Memo ********************** To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill) 3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. It Happened At The Bank: Part 2 ********************************** We entered the bank and everything seemed fine. There was a line with about 10 people in it waiting for a teller to become available. We got in line an waited. We'd only been in line for a couple of minutes when we heard a gun shot. We looked towards the tellers and saw that a man was robbing the bank. He had asked the teller to give him money. The teller did, but the robber must have seem it when the teller pressed the alarm. He raced towards us with a bag full of money in one hand and a gun in the other. He ran by me and grabbed Sarah. "Come on, bitch" he yelled at her. "Hey! Leave her alone!" I screamed. I am not sure where it came from. It seemed those words just popped out of my mouth. "What are you going to do about it big boy?" he said waving the gun at me. "Please, don't hurt her, here" I said as I took out and opened my wallet. "Here's $50. Please don't hurt her." Off in the distance, I could hear the sound of the approaching sirens. The police were coming. He knew it too. "Fine" He grabbed my wallet and threw Sarah into my arms. I hugged her as he ran out the door. Then, he did something I will never forget. He turned and started shooting. To Be Continued . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten ************ Top Ten Reasons Why Not To Invite Great Uncle Edgar to The Family's Christmas Dinner 10. Tired of the floaties in the eggnog 9. Kids play hide Uncle Edgars hearing aid 8. Prosthetic penis keeps going off at the table 7. Always does the "dentures biting Aunt Sue on the butt" trick 6. Drools in the gravy 5. He always seems to forget his gas pills 4. Can't let him get too close to the microwave, or else he'll have a heart attack 3. When he gets drunk he likes to make snow angels,"naked" 2. The dog always pees on his leg when he's sleeping 1. Every thirty minutes, he forgets who he is and starts running around the table barking and yodeling =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's no offence", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened", countered the prisoner. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: the peeps reading this In next issue: HAPPY NEW YEAR Street date: Januray 1/00