*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 25 ** ** HAPPY NEW YEAR 2000 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Intro by: Busta Rhymes 3. Syko's Year In Review 99 by: Syko416 4. Millenium Year Application Software System by: Syko416 5. Best Of The Best by: Syko416 6. The Year 2000 by: Syko416 7. Memo From Payroll by: Syko416 8. It Happened At The Bank: Part 3 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ Wild Niggaz =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ If you are reading this, you made it into the year 2000! It all goes down hill from here (Actually, it started going down hill on Aug 11, the day of the total eclipse of the sun) Anyways, if you die before the next issue, I'll see ya in Hell (I am not trying to be rude but most people are going to hell, including me) Article#2, Intro, is by Busta Rhymes, that's right the singer Busta Rhymes, it's the first song from his new CD, Extinction Level Event: The Final World Front. it's pretty cool A lot of people ask me, Am I afraid of Death? Hell yeah, I'm afraid of death, I don't wanna die yet A lot of people think that I worship the devil, that I do all types of retarded shit look, I can't change the way I think I can't changet the way I am If I offended you, Good Cuz I still don't give a fuck! - Eminem, "Still Don't Give A Fuck" (track 20) =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Intro ******** Kid: Daddy, What's it gonna be like in the year 2000? Dad: Well, sweetheart, for your sake, I hope it will be all peaches and cream but I am afraid the end time is near the cataclysmic apocalypse referred in the Scriptures in every holy book known to mankind It will be an era froth with boundless greed and corruption Where global monetary systems disintegrate leaving brother to kill brother for a grain of over cooked rice. The nations of the civilized world will collapse under the oppressive weight of parasitic, political conspiracies, which remove all hope and optimism from it’s once faithful citizens. Around the globe, generations of polluters will be punished for their sins unshielded by the ozone layer they have successfully depleted, left to bake in the searing naked rays of light Wholesale assassinations serve to destabilize every remaining government leaving the starving and wicked to fend for themselves blood thirsty renegades cyborgs created by tax dodging corporations reek havoc, pissed off androids tired of being slaves to a godless and gutless system, where the rich get richer and the poor get fucked over and out, Unleash total worldwide destruction by means of nuclear holocaust inhalation the terrified masses, leaving in it’s torturous wake nothing but vicious, cannibalistic, mutated, radiated and horribly disfigured hoards of satanic killers bent on revenge. But against whom? there are so few left alive Starvation reins supreme, forcing unlucky survivors to eat anything and anyone in their path. Massive earthquakes crack the planets crust like a hollow eggshell causing unending volcanic eruptions The creatures of the seven seas, unable to escape to certain death upon land, boil in their liquid prison. Disease encircles the earth. Plagues and viruses with no known cause or cure, laying waste to whatever draws breath. And human kind having proven itself to be nothing more than a race of ruthless scavengers, fall victim to merciless attack at the hands of interplanetary alien tribes who seek to conquer our charred remains. This is Extinction Level Event: The Final World Front and there is only one year left. Kid: Wow that’s cool. I can’t hardly wait Dad: You don’t have to, cuz here it is . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Syko's Year In Review 99 *************************** Here it is again, Syko's Year In Review. Another Year, another review. Everybody's got one, so I want one too. So lets get started. Where to start? I know, Music. The Music scene this year was pretty good. First of all, new Nine Inch Nails (finally) and it kicked ass. Also, New Rage Against The Machine (Finally again) which also kicked ass. New Insane Clown Posse (I know, they're fucked up but I like them) Kid Rock: Devil Without A Cause (it has some good songs, the CD is a middle finger), Lenny Kravitz: 5 (pretty cool CD, with an awesome cover of American Woman), Blink 182: enema of the State (cool title, that's about it) Korn: Issues (not that bad, not that good either, Life Is Peachy is still better) New Manson (well, not really, one new song, and all the others are live, but still an awesome CD) Eminem: The Slim Shady LP (it's a good album filled with jokes and HYPE songs) and then you have all the other shit like Backstreet Boys and all the other shit boy bands that made the year all the more Crappy. On to Movies, Best Movie this year, The Matrix! Other Cool movies include: The Sixth Sense, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, End Of Days, Any Given Sunday, American Pie, Light It Up, The World Is Not Enough (you gotta love the Last line in this movie)and the Blair Witch Project. The Crappiest movie this year was Star Wars!!!! (surprise, surprise) After all the hype, it still sucked PENIS! There were others that sucked too like: the Haunting, Superstar, Galaxy Quest, The Talented Mr.Ripley, and all the teeny boper flicks like 10 Things You Hate About Me, and Drive Me Crazy. On to TV. This year the new shows were good. You have Family Guy and Futurama, and The PJs for all the people that love the Simpsons (which had an Awesome year too) In the sitcom, you had Roswell (ok concept, but bad show), King Of Queens, Ladies Man, Oh Grow Up, It's Like You Know (Crap), Will & Grace (I think Debra Messing is Hot) Norm (which used to be The Norm McDonald Show), Stark Raving Mad (it's funny) and of course, FOX's Get Real (the chicks are hot) This year, ECW finally came on to TV, which is god for hardcore wrestling fans. Also, BET introduced a cool, funny show called Hits From The Streets. Basically it's just a guy on the street making jokes before he plays the latest videos. I know it's been done millions of times before, but, hey, it's funny. Time For Sport. The Best thing that happenned in sports this year, is in the NFL, the Denver Broncos (who won the super bowl last year) got their ass kicked this year! They couldn't even make it into the playoffs. Pathetic! As for the NBA, The Raptors are having a good season and have a chance to win it all next year. In NHL, The Great one, Wayne Gretzky, has called it quits. Yes, I know, but Hockey will survive. As for baseball, it sucked and no one cares :P On to Headlines, the one thing that people have been talking about in 1999 is School shootings, mostly what happenned at Columbine. of course we had some more Clinton Sex Scandel, but that was left over from last year. The Columbine shootings were what everone was talking about this year. (well, that and all the copycat shootings that happenned during the month after it happenned) Thanks to the shootings, now there are cameras in every school and in some schools there are guards patroling the halls. It's fucked up, but the death toll could have been alot worst if their plan had worked (see Time Magazine: The Columbine Tapes) And Now, the best Of the best of 1999. What is the number one thing that happenned in 1999? Sykotic Times Continued!!! And it will continue for years to come. Ain't That great? Of course it is! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Millenium Year Application Software System ********************************************** This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that she had her nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. Best Of The Best ******************* It's time for the BEST things from the past 1000 years! so let's get started. Television ********** Best TV Show: The Simpsons, No suprise here. The show has been around for 11 years and is still going strong. It's going to be around for many years to come. Maybe it'll be the best TV show of the next millenium! Runners-Up: X-Files, The Outer Limits Best Spooky Show: The Twilight Zone (the original) The stories were excellent and Scary. The new series isn't as good. Runners-Up: X-Files, Tales From The Crypt, Perversions Of Science. Best British Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus. It's a classic. It's funny and and a little messed up. Probably the best thing that ever came out of britain. Runners-Up: Red Drawf, Chef! Movies ****** Best Movie: The Crow. A story of the fight between Good and Evil where none truely wins. This is a dark movie with some funny parts. Runners-Up: American Pie, Twilight Zone: the Movie Best Scary Movie: Twilight Zone: The Movie. This movie has a couple of stories that have become classics. It plays with your mind and doesn't just kill a bunhc of people. Runners-Up: Stephen King's It, Night Of the Living Dead, The Blair Witch Project, Sixth Sense. Best Comedy Movie: Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood. This is the longest movie title I have ever seen. It is also a really funny movie. Runners-Up: American Pie, Dirty Work. Best Law Movie: JFK. This movie shows how the DA of New Orleans tries to find the real killer of JFK. This is an excellent movie. Directed by Oliver Stone. Runners-Up: A Time To Kill, Rain Man. Music ***** Best Guitar Player: Jimi Hendrix. I don't think that there is anyone out there that can disagree with this one. Even if you don't like him you have to admit no one can play better. Runners-Up: Santana, B.B King. Best Album Ever: This is a hard one, but I have to say the best album ever is Jimi Hendrix: The Ultimate Experience. It has all the greatest Hits of Jimi. Runners-up: Limp Bizkit: Significant Other, Nine Inch Nails: Downward Spiral. Best Group Ever: Hands down, It's gotta be Limp Bizkit. They've been around for a couple years and have a new album coming out in February. Runners-Up: Korn, Nine Inch Nails, Metallica. Most Fucked Singer: Marilyn Manson. No one can say that he is not fucked up. He's just plain insane. No one came compare. he's got problems Runners-Up: Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osbourne, Insane Clown Posse. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. The Year 2000 **************** The year 2000 is here, and everyone wants to know what is going to happen? I'll tell you. The world will not come to an end, but every one will die (within 100 years) but, seriously, it will be exactly like all the other years. We'll have Good music (New Limp Bizkit coming out in a couple months), bad music (New backstreet boys video comes out), Good movies (????), Bad Movies (Scream 3 comes out in Februray) and a whole bunch of new shit we've never done before. No one really knows what's going to happen but it'll be fun finding out. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Memo From Payroll ******************** To: Jimmy Poonwacker From: Payroll Date: January 4, 2000 Subject: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, Your Automated Payroll Processing System =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. It Happened At The Bank: Part 3 ********************************** At first I wasn't sure what he was doing. I just saw the glass of the door and the windows, break and fall to the ground. Then Sarah let out a moan that I have never heard before. That's when I realized she was hit. The robber fired a couple more rounds. One of the bullets passed between my fingers, which were on her back. I felt her warm blood ooze from the wound and into my fingers. I wanted to do something but I was completely helpless. After the robber had emptied his clip, he jumped into his car and sped off. Sarah collapsed on me. We fell to the ground, my arms were still around her. I could tell she was barely alive. "John," she whispered to me "Thank you for trying to save me" "Don't worry Sarah" I said, "You'll be fine, don't worry, you'll pull through" I could feel tears coming down my cheeks. "John," she said, "I love you" "I love you too, Sarah" I said as I held her tighter. "Goodbye my love" She said as she was running out of energy. I could feel the life being drained from her. I was now crying and holding her in my arms. My shirt was soaked in her blood. She reached up and with her last ounce of strength, wiped a tear from my face. Then her arm collapsed. She was dead. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* Read This -- It's Amazing Friday December 17/99 Yahoo! News LONDON (Reuters) - A goldfish has lived to swim another day after it fell down a chimney, bounced off hot coals and landed in front of an astonished family. A heron, seen on nearby rooftops earlier, is believed to have scooped it up from a nearby pond and dropped it down Maureen Brewin's chimney in Northampton in the English Midlands Thursday. The fish suffered only superficial injuries to its scales where it had been clutched in the heron's mouth. "We had noticed a heron on the chimney but did not think anything of it. When my daughter asked me if I had seen the fish on the hearth, I thought she was joking," Brewin explained. "It was lying perfectly still, then its tail started moving." Brewin put the fish in a bowl of water and made an emergency call to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. RSPCA chief inspector Dave Brown said: "The fish was lucky to survive. We think it came from a fish pond in the area." He added: "This was the first time I have been called out to a fish that has fallen down a chimney.'' **************** Americans Select 'Crime of the Century' Wednesday December 15 7:09 AM ET Yahoo! News LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Forget Watergate, the Lindbergh kidnapping or the O.J. Simpson case. Americans think the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy was the crime that had the most impact in the last 100 years, according to a new poll by Zogby International, released Tuesday. The JFK assassination was ranked as the crime of the century by 36.5 percent of 1,006 adults interviewed by Zogby for the on-line service APBNews.com, a Website devoted to crime news. Twenty-four percent said the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing in which 168 people died in the worst act of terrorism ever committed on American soil was the most important crime of the century, giving it second place in the survey. The 1968 assassination of Martin Luther King Jr -- an event that triggered riots as well as profound soul searching -- was in third place with 11.2 percent of the vote. The 1994-95 O.J. Simpson murder case, which raised questions about the fairness of the American judicial system, was a surprising fourth with 9.7 percent of those surveyed saying the sensational case that was televised live across the country had the most impact. (In a controversial decision, the former football star was acquitted of murdering his ex-wife and her friend.) Meanwhile, 5.3 percent gave fifth place to the Watergate break-in of 1972 the crime that led to President Richard Nixon's resignation, the first time in American history that a sitting president had ever resigned. With 1.6 percent of those surveyed saying it was the most important crime, the atomic secrets spy trial of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in 1953 was ranked sixth. Meanwhile, the crime that was actually dubbed ``The Crime of the Century,'' the kidnapping of Charles Lindbergh's baby in 1932, ranked seventh with 1.3 percent of the vote. The St. Valentine's Day massacre of gangsters in Chicago in 1929 ranked eighth with one per cent of the vote. In ninth place with .7 percent was serial killer Ted Bundy's murder spree starting in 1973; and in 10th place, with .6 percent of the vote, was the assassination of President William McKinley, who was killed in 1901. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten ************ 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. *gasp* it's missing, it must have been Y2K! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Barbie And G.I. Joe ******************* A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"? The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe". Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No", says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken." Tattoo ****** A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos. The artist says, "Sure." She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas." Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he's finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sexual Morality *************** The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?" Flashlight ********** A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the guy says, "I wish you had a flashlight." She says, "Why's that?" He says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes." Artificial Respiration ********************** A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing. "Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!" "WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!" Glady And Betty *************** There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!" Like A Rabit ************ A travelling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard got shelter with a farmer who had three daughters. The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned." In the morning, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?" "Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it." The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble. His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!" =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: The winning 6/49 numbers Street date: January 15/00