*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 30 ** ** Spring Break 2000 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Mr. Poop Rambles by: Mr Poop 3. Sightings of the Stupid by: Syko416 4. Toronto 2600 Meetings by: Syko416 5. Weird Package Instructions by: Syko416 6. OLD IRISH JOKES by: Syko416 7. Sykotic Times Mailing List by: Syko416 8. My Last Week On Earth (Part:2) by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ just chillin' =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ Welcome to the 30th issue of Sykotic Times!!!! nuff said =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Mr. Poop Rambles (02/28/2000) * E-mail: Default@collegeclub.com * ********************************** Alright, everyone. This is Mr. Poop, and I decided to write article for Sykotic Times since Syko416 prints almost anything. That's cool. Finally, somewhere to express myself and where someone may actually read it and enjoy it. MANDY MOORE IS THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE WORLD! err. yeah. she is. Wow. I reccomend everyone go buy (or steal, or download mp3's of) Depeche Mode: Violator. These are some of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Damn, I get along with all sorts of music. If you like songs about vaginas and stuff like that, I would like to reccomend Vagina by Bloodhound Gang, and Bad Touch.. I haven't heard any of their other songs, but they're probally about sex too. Fuck! My cd player is fucked up. What a dirty whore cd player. I bought two tapes today. Violator (heh, yeah.. 10 year old tape), and Cure: Bloodflowers. Although I didn't buy that for me, I bought that for my sister's birthday. and now.. Top 9 crappiest shows of my lifetime 1) Supermarket Sweep (a game show in the store, eh?) 2) Small Wonder (she's fantastic, made of plastic.. heh) 3) Full House (gawd, the Olsen twins are annoying..) 4) Charles in Charge 5) Shop Till you Drop 6) Richard Simmons Dream maker 7) Martha Stewart: Living 8) America's Funniest Home Videos (damn, Bob Saget sucks) 9) Step by Step top 9 coolest shows of my lifetime 1) The Simpsons 2) Futurama 3) WWF Wrestling 4) WCW Wrestling 5) Saturday Night Live 6) The Tom Green Show 7) The Ben Stiller Show (VERY short lived series on FOX) 8) In Living Colors (back when all the Wayans were on there) 9) Married... With Children okay, that's all. call the World Wrestling Evolution hotline at 1-800-659-1775 Mr. Poop x8123 Mike the Master x1780 There's more numbers on there, but you have to find yourselves. Not hard. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Sightings of the Stupid ************************** Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water. Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???" Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Toronto 2600 Meetings ************************ A lot of people have been asking me when/where are the Toronto 2600 meetings, so I decided to write an article telling them. Toronto 2600 Meetings are held as Cyberland Internet Cafe at 257 Yonge Street (get off at the Dundas Station and walk down) it's the second floor, across the street from the Eaton Center. They are held there the first friday of every month at 7pm. Just look for the 31337 hax0rs with labtops and bell binders. The next meetings are: April 7, 2000 May 5, 2000 June 2, 2000 July 7, 2000 August 4, 2000 September 1, 2000 October 6, 2000 November 3, 2000 December 1, 2000 January 5, 2001 February 2, 2001 =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. Weird Package Instructions ***************************** The following are actual instructions found on the named items: ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS; - Do not use while sleeping. ON A BAG OF FRITOS: - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP, - Directions: Use like regular soap. ON A FROZEN DINNER: - Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: - Fits one head. ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning keep out of children ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. OLD IRISH JOKES ****************** HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH SEA SCOUT? HIS TENT SANK WHEN HE WENT CAMPING! HOW DO YOU GET AN IRISHMAN TO BURN HIS EARS? PHONE HIM WHILE HE'S IRONING! HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH COMEDIAN WHO WALKED OFF? EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING AT HIM! AN IRISHMAN CRASHED HIS HELICOPTER - HE SWITCHED OFF THE FANS BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT! HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH FIRING SQUAD? THEY FORMED A CIRCLE! AN IRISHMAN DROVE HIS LORRY OFF BEACHY HEAD - HE WANTED TO TEST HIS AIR BRAKES! HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH TAP DANCER? BROKE A LEG IN THE SINK! WHAT IS BLACK, SHRIVELLED AND HANGS FROM THE CEILING? AN IRISH ELECTRICIAN! HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO HIJACKED A SUBMARINE? DEMANDED $20,000 AND 2 PARACHUTES! WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN WITH HALF A BRAIN? A GENIUS! HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO KIDNAPPED THE PRIME MINISTER? SENT HIM HOME WITH A RANSOM NOTE THE IRISH ASTRONAUT MADE SURE IT WAS A FULL MOON IN CASE HE WOULD MISS IT! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Sykotic Times Mailing List ***************************** That's right, there is now a Sykotic Times Mailing List! All you have to email: majordomo@attrition.org and write in the BODY subscribe syko blah@blah.com (note: the blah@blah.com should be replaced with your email) It's that easy! Then every 2 weeks or so, you'll get a newsletter (well, just a small email from yours truely) saying that the newest issue of Sykotic time just came out. Special Thanks to Mogel who set up the Mailing List for me =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. My Last Week on Earth (part 2) ********************************* The rave lasted until 2 am, but it seemed longer. I had classes at 9 am the next morning, but I didn’t care. Since I’d be dead in a week, there was no need for an education. I kept on thinking about my girlfriend, Neve, who lived in Clifford. Clifford was a small town about 3 hours from Toronto. Neve was the most beautiful girl I had ever met. She was about 5’ 7" with black, curly hair down to her shoulders and brown eyes. She had an amazing figure. No extra fat anyway. She though she was fat but did weight much. A nice, slim, hot, piece of ass. What more can any guy ask for? We had met through a friend and we started dating, but it was hard having a long distance relationship. Every time I wanted some nookie, I’d have to take the 3 hour bus ride from Toronto to Clifford, which seemed to go on forever. But we were in love, and love conquered all. I was planning a surprise trip to see her in a couple days to break the news to her. Plus, I wanted to see her beautiful face before I died. I also wanted to give her something to remember me by, but I wasn’t sure what to give her. After the rave, I returned home and I was dead tired (no pun intended). I crawled in to bed and went to sleep. The next day, I woke up at noon. I had decided to sleep in because it didn’t really matter what grade I got in school anymore. I got dressed and walked to school. I arrived at school at about 1:30 pm. I had English, and I hated my teacher, and now I had the chance to tell her. My teacher was Mrs. Hawk. She was a bitch. I swear she had a meter stick shoved up her ass. She was about 5’ with black (and gray) hair that she always wore in a pony tail. She had glasses with a red frame. She was Chinese but spoke with an English accent. No one liked her and now she was finally going to know how we felt. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* Big Money Hustlas to be released June 6th!!! The Battle is finally over Juggalos. The most anticipated video in Juggalo history, Big Money Hustlas, is to be released June 6th, 2000! As many Juggalos know, Insane Clown Posse's first motion picture was slated to be released in summer of 1999. However, editing problems, and then later legal problems from the film's director, kept Big Money Hustlas in a state of limbo. But today March 7, 2000, Psychopathic Records and Island Records finally won all rights to Big Money Hustlas in court. Immediately Psychopathic and Island set final date for release... June 6th, 2000!!! We know many Juggalos have been waiting a long time... so long that some of you thought Big Money Hustlas was a joke... so long that some of you thought the film must have been destroyed and lost forever... so long that some of you got a cheap ass camcorder and filmed your own Big Money Hustlas for us to release (we were thinking of releasing your shitty ass video if we didn't win in court!)... So all you Juggalos be on the lookout for Big Money Hustlas... in stores everywhere June 6th, 2000... finally, and for real! Word! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** Top Ten Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional 1 New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family. 2 Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 3 Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer. 4 In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 5 Bikers next door always complaining about the noise. 6 Holidays are usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house. 7 Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down." 8 Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum. 9 Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey. 10 You don't read Sykotic Times =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Annual Checkup ************** An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story... I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor. 5 For A Dollar ************** A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct. He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar." She said "That can't be right!" The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached." Blonde Joke *********** A guy is having a drink in a bar. A lot of drinks. A very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lb. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2" and 220; she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a kickboxer professional. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy blinks and swallows, thinks about it a second and says; "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times." Hung **** Down the street, a man is sitting in a reclining lawn chair sipping a tall glass of iced tea and reading a book. He also is watching his wife mow the lawn in the heat and humidity. His next door neighbor is outraged at this sight. So, she marches over and plants herself right in front of the man and starts in on him. "You should be ashamed of yourself making your wife mow the lawn," she shouts. "You ought to be hung!" "I am," replied the man. "That's why my wife is mowing the lawn." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Emails: Syko416@hotmail.com Default@collegeclub.com Join the Sykotic Times Mailing List! email: majordomo@attrition.org and write in the BODY: subscribe syko blah@blah.com (note: the blah@blah.com should be replaced with your email) Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: April 2000 Issue Street date: April 1/00