nicotine is not addictive!?

Diary of a tryin' to quit before I die red-neck-smoker

(reality of nicotine addiction & acumalative advertized bogus byproducts)
by jeff
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well; these smokes; argggg; okay then;

I have smoked since 10 years old; long before they put the Surgeon Generals Warning "Bad for ya if yer pregnant" Well; hell I didn't have nuthin to worry about on that score!
hummmmm; smokin 35 years and still ain't pregnant;

I have tried so many ways to quit this gawdawful habit: It must be possible because the 'tobacco companys swore on TV that its not addictive and I believe in science!
Okay I'm startin once again I guess!

I have tried the gum, the patches, the filters, the hypnotists, and all of these at least two -three times each; I'm doin somethin wrong...

I read these big ads: Hypnotherapists: Quit smoking Today!
The hypnotists tried for 3 weeks to put me under;
something about a problem with concentration...
finally she paid me an additional 100 dollars never to come back...
and now I'm trying this pill called zyban...You read about it in all the fish and hunting magazines; Okay i saw it in McCalls too at the doctors office; i ain't ashamed; theys gots some nice pictures in there too.
ZYBAN...
I can tell U this pill is a depressant;
I can hardly hold my head up and keep the ciggerette from burning my chest;
hummm; haven't seen my toes in awhile; those things could cut glass...

hummm; whats this; oh good mail's in! SOB; another rejection from the publishers;
damned tobacco companys own everything!
Can't get my diary published no wheres!
Don't even send rejections in regular mail so's a body can use it to roll his own... New fangeled technology is the ruin of the world... Where was I? Yeah; concentrating!

Oh; its okay...this pill thingy
u just keep right on smoking while you take this pill but it ain't working yet though; Advertizing says its a miricale worker; when all else fails try this baby! Zyban!
Hey anything that starts in a pharmasuitical ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz is gotta be a last straw.
humm; only a 30 day supply of pills; OKAY! good! I have several days to think about it...
no pressure; I like that...
I remember in '69 when i got this horrible cough, and I went to this real old doctor and he said I had to quit smoking or I would die; the old bastard would be surprized to see me today;
humm; I'd be surprized to see him to;
he hada car accident while he tried to light a ciggerette doing 75 on the freeway...
when dey gona learn; Speed kills

hummm; day 4 still smoking; have not thought much about quitting; I don't think these pills are working right...
I like the stop smoking plan though; didn't come with a tape or a diet plan;
wonder how much stock costs?
I ain'ta gona buy none cause I don't think its working very well...
They should offer anti-stocks for those that wanta bet the sumbitchs won't work...


The wife is lecturing me about all the chemicals they put into these smokes now-a-days;
some 3000 chemicals to make it taste great and be less filling...
okay...so I got one of those stop smoking filter things out of a pakage from my stop smoking period of 1993;
Geeeeeesh; theres still 6 year old nicotine and tar in it from my last use of it in '93!
Arggghhhh! I almost quit after that first drag!
This damned things no good! a little Dial soap will clean her right up! Wonders for the complexion
OHHH
tasted better before I washed it...Did I tell ya I went to a phychitrists; YEP!; Okay so you don't have to spell it right on the check, they don't care...
1's & 0's; thats all they want...The SoB lit up a big ole HUGE stogy while I was layin there on the couch; Don't know if this was a form of torture, or if he had a penile complex; he turned beet red & threw me out when I asked....doh; wifes mad; says i am not trying to quit!

well day 5... still not quitting...My wife keeps throwing my smokes away...
I have to keep getting in the truck to go to the store and buy more
...I need some cash...I wonder if I can find that hypnotists' card? Probably pay me not to come back!

so I got out that nicoreete gum today; this stuff has sat on the refridgerator for 4 years;
stop smoking period 1995,,Saw it on TV; all these macho fellas quiting slicker than grease on a spitshine
Argggghhhhh; nasty tasting s**t; Found a chewed up piece laying there; and the wife says IM a slob!
now I remember why I didn't quit in 1995...

still not quit on day six...I'm not sure I'll be able to do this, this time; They say sometimes you need to replace the urge with sumtin else...
I've tried to overcompensate by drinking more and smoking less; but whenever I have a beer I have to have a smoke...
I'm caught up in this visious circle...Is there no hope???

I feel like this period in my life has to have some meaning, and I've been meaning to quit for some time now...

okay; day 7... so I stuck one of those 100 dollar nicotine patches on my arm; left over from stop smoking period of 1997; these things are like 3 inch by 3 inch Bandaid lookin thingys.
well; maybe I should put two on; quit twice as fast! whoa startin to feel some energy; no; thats wrong; feelin real jittery; heart is racing; knees are knockin'; excitement from possibility of making it this time???
I hesitate about calling the pharmisits; last time I was there I tried to be friendly by jawing about families while i waited for him to fill the order; Seems his wife had been seen hangin on and about Big Harley Jones sportin around in that big 4 wheel monster truck of his what with the confederate flag and the dingo balls on the mirror, quadruppled bypassed muffler packs, and a jefferson city recycled spoiler mattress in the rear and...
I just naturally assumed hed knowed all about it...gwad; Im always the last to know...



day 8...sicker than a barnyard dog in heat ina ptomaine factory;
24 more hours of this and I'll be eating the ciggertes;
hummm; no that was stop smoking period 1963 when my dad caught me smoking...
that didn't make me quit either...life is a drag... Sos eyes put in a call to the pharmists;
he still remembers me!
I tell him my problem; He tells me to stick it in my ear and hangs up!
OHHhh; okay; thats the problem! I've had them on my arms for two days now!
Theys just big enough to fold over the ear-lobes;
sounds like the ocean in here now though;
Opps; The wife comes in; "gives me ""The LOOK""; You know the one I mean; I swear times like this the woman has no shadow and casts nary a reflection in a mirror...
I can sees her lips moving but cain't hear a thing; Whoa! they find out about this, they'll charge double for these things! still smoking though;


day 9...can hardly deal with the pressure...I gotta get up, take a pill; try to find an place to put new patchs on;
wash out another caked up filter, get a wad of gum from under the desk, (I ain't buyin no more!) and listen to the wife tell me how Todays THE day...
Nows shes telling me I gotta quit drinking too! Can you imagine HOW MUCH one of those kinda patches is gona cost me??????
slide on up to the pharmists (they don't care how yous spells it niether)
and order a budwieser patch; hit me easy there pal; Sorry; were all out of Bud;
Wanta Coors draft patch instead? Oh; can nothing be uncomplicated now adays?
I ask for a 30 days supply that dissipates a 6'paker per hour, sos I can be comin' down real slow! None o that jittery sweatin convulsion crap for this cowboy! UH-HU!
He only has a 3 canner per hour prescription left; back in the truck I stick two patches on and crack a can of bud to get the blood right;
Dam I wake up! What a great dream! I Notice this morning that the wife and child have been steering clear of me for days... Odd; haven't lost my temper once...hummm

Hummm; OKAY! Day 10! Thats it! I'll tell the wife to put these 3 paks of smokes I have sitting here, in the toilet (just in case I don't make it), and give it a good whoosh....Good riddance! SH*t; now the toi-lets plugged up! If it ain't one thing its tanother!

Dam; She's a sneaky one, she is! I think she put my truck keys in there tooooooo....
Now hows a man to get to the store?

Now heres a site: Got my head down in the toilet; yep; there they are!
Wonder how long it takes for these things to dry out; oh yep; theres my keys too;
lay these babies out in the sun for a few days might be able to re-use them...hummm;
Ifen I fire up the fish-smoker, I could cut the time in half!
off to the market; Dam! visa has expired yesterday! Back to the truck;
found some change under the seats; mostly pennies; dump it all on the counter get a pak of marlborro ultra lights for effect;
I go outside and have a smoke while the kid is counting it up;
I keep sticking my head in and yelling "98; 99; 100;"
He looks kinda pissed as he starts counting all over again..."1 2 3 4 ..."
Nothing to do but wait; fire up another smoke; these ultra lights are like suking air!
Tear the filter off; thats better! Ah; the kid is done;
go back in throw the smokes on the counter..."paper please", I tells him... He glares at me...
I tells him that theys probablys gots some patches for his attitude! Give some to the people standing the line too!
I get to the door and in my best accent I turn and look over the top of my sunglasses; and tell 'em; "I'll Be Back!"

I don't get it! My friend the Hobgoblin told me the symptoms would be gone in 9-10 days...
must be doin' sumtin wrong!



day 11.
I'd like to get advice from the wife bout why I'm so symtomatic...but everytime I walk into the room she backs away;
this stop smoking stuff is really hard on a marriage; bout 6 days ago she asked if I would go sleep in the other room; I'm at a loss; I haven't snapped at anyone since this started....can't write much today, they keep sending me outside to walk the cats...never heard tell of such a thing afore.
wife says ifn the dog hadn'ta died of second hand smoke she'd send him out with me too!

day 12... ..hummm; it has occured to me that I haven't showered since this all began; afraid the patches will get diluted and or fall off;
I remember someone; I think a cat named svd; say shampoo and soap could be bad for you but not sure cause cain't read the labels theys been in there so long...
got mail from mammon_ today; hes teaching me Pearl/Cgi but said that I must first get me a shell to protect the account...he said jeff; first lesson... It's Perl...P E R L...
...I luv mammon_ he has a great sense of humor and bright as a star;
heheh; everyone knows that a Pearl comes from a shell accounta they needs protection; But I'm a newby so I needs a push sometimes!
I wrote em back asked him to send me a Perl patch... humm; that was about six days ago...

day 13...Oh eyes hate that number; maybe we coulds jest skip this day altogether;
OH-oh, C! I knew I shoulda stayed on the couch! Heres the mail truck; Buncha overdue fishing store acounts BILL threats I'll bet! Never cuaght a blasted fish from nuthin I ever bought there; man shouldn't have to pay for stuff that don't work!... Can't handel the pressure...heres sumtin new; a damned letter from the government returning my enquiry pertaining to pig farming...
Seems they pays pig farmers big bucks not to raise pigs! hey; I could do that! I'm already not growin pigs! The example here says if you don't grow 100 pigs that they'll pay yous 100 dollars per pig...hum; little figuring here on my MS calculator; Holy cow; Thats 10,000 bucks not to raise pigs that I ain't araisin' anyway! Man; I'm gona write em back and offer not to raise 200 pigs! Shee-it fire, 300 pigs by golly; a body could have whole sh*tloada no pigs and come out smellin' pretty good!

day 14...Some of the nieghbors dropped by to ask the wife ifn I was okay after the accident;
She asked "what accident?" Theys told her that Id been seen about with all these bandages covering lots square feet of my torso...(they talks like that here...real down to earth manners;
like "Please, pass the mashed potatoes, mamam..." A Real man just reach acrost everything and get damned things hiself)
She laughed and told them they weren't bandages, they were Beer, nicotine, and attitude patches...they backed out kinda slow like; but not before I asked if I could borrow some of their land to Not grow pigs on!
The wife says maybe I'd do better ifn I had a support group; sos eyes told her about all the new friends I have met from alls over the world on the internet, and they was a buncha real smart hombres...sos Im shareing this with yall to see wheres I mights be afailin'...

This could take awhile...yeah! Suns out; smokers agoin; letter off to the feds; 9.95 in cash in the ole pocket from yesterdays recycleable cans
mighty fine day to be alive...

day 15 Decided to get me some culture; found me one of them old antique western bar room spit-toons; 9.95 on sale!
Stopped on the way home and bought me a can of Copenhagen; Copehagen is like a can of 6 day old used up wet and nasty coffee looking grinds stuff that u take a big ole pinch of and stuff betwext your teeth and your lower lip; Gives ya lip tounge theeth and gum cancer; whole dam face falls off; nasty tastein stuff; U gotta spit every 5 seconds!
So I sets the spit toon up and have a go..... Swpish sppit spiiiiiit;
wife is pissed again; I told her I'd get better at it;
I keeps missin' ! Dam carpet looks like a cow came thru with diahrea!

Well; I gotta go; wife wants me to quit chew now too; so I gona find a smoke. Can't find one!
i don't smoke in the house so Im gona go see what kinda butts might be left over in the ashtray outside...nothin like a good roll your own in a pinch!

day 16...sumbitch my buddy Danny from Silicon Valley wrote and told me I should take a pack of ciggerettes and tape those to my arms; hadn't thought of that! Dem boys from the valley are some smart hombres too!
The valley-boys...flat-landers what we calls 'em...Usta live down there myself; No huntin there, no fishin, no rivers, or lakes just soot filled skies wid wild women and nightclubs;
a man could go blind. Speakin of blind! Did u see all dem Ezexs from the tobaccy companys on The senate Hearing sayin that nicotine weren't addicting?

day 17... this ole boy from Copehagen was avisitin one of my compadres and we was chokin down some brewskies and shootin some pool when my buds pal pulls out this foriegn snuff stuff; takes a big ole pinch and up the nose it went; Snorttttt; then he tells us USA boys we ain't men unless we gives it a try to; Well in honor of my country and all I took a little squeeze and up the gazoo it went; OH_E_VEAY mean stuff! So I pulls out my can of Copehagen chew and tells him "Here; try some of this!"
before I could say a thing...He took a big ole wad; and up the nose it went....my lawd; never seen a man contort so...spent better half the night at the hospital flushing the poor boy out! Who Knew?

I only gotts 13 days left to kick this mean monkey cause the pills are running out then... hummm; well I'll be horsewhipped and tied naked to a SanFracisco Bath-house
...pill bottle says "call for Refill"...

Think I'll try a pipe tommorow...

cya
jeff