"The Debunking of the Debunked": The Carolyn P. Meinel story

In response to:
AntiOnline News: Granny Hacker Visits Def Con - Part 3

July 1999

In a 16-foot wide 9-year old trailer park home in New Mexico, a 52-year 
old delusional woman sits in front of a computer toiling away on a 
non-technical "hacking" document fraught with errors. 

You might remember Carolyn P Meinel as 'The Happy Hacker' from such E-Files
as "A Weekend Without My Zoloft" and the underground classic "Has Anyone Seen
My Dignity?"

Although some people would like to classify Carolyn as 'merely' delusional or
talent-less, our research has added 'washed-up crackpot' and 'media charlatan.'
 
Often we wonder how Carolyn has achieved so little over so much time, and
with this brief interlude, we peel back the layers of the onion with an
exclusive report from DefCon7.

As it happened during the weekend of July 9th in Las Vegas, NV at the seventh
installment of the DefCon Security Convention, it appears that Carolyn forgot
her medicine.  And these aren't simple antibiotics or histamine blockers
(although she could probably use those too).  No dear friends, these are
powerful psycho-reactive mind-altering chemicals such as sertaline
hydrochloride and diazepam.  This woman has serious mental problems that
require medication and treatment. 

We caught up with Carolyn in the hotel bar at the Alexis Park, this interviewer
was participating in some lighthearted revelry with friends and cohorts,
enjoying the ebb and flow of the convention we've come to know and love...
Late into the night we had a great time recounting times past.

As the night progressed, we moved the group out of the bar into the hotel
foyer where our merriment was abruptly halted.  The foul stench of insanity
lingered in that part of the hotel, and it was instantly known to all that
Carolyn was upon us.

Initially, I found myself finding a good deal of humor with her attire, I
pondered the drifter's corpse that she absconded her dress from, and focused
on my mission at hand. The question on everyone's lips:

                        "Is Virginia here this year?"

However, before I could gather my senses, a whirlwind of stupidity was
unleashed as Carolyn's disease attempted to spread to another mind.  With her
gaping maw open, she turned the boring-machine up to 11 and hosed down an
unsuspecting convention-goer.

With all that had happened, I was stunned.  This was the heaviest blow of all.
I could find no other recourse but to confront her on one of the numerous
topics that burn in the scene.  It was, at that time still unclear to me why
she had misinformed the FBI that I was involved in HFG, and I decided to
question her on that, in the hopes of two results.  Intended result #1 was
to shut her the fuck up for a minute.  Intended result #2 was to get an
explanation, apology, or at best a rationalization.  However, as she turned to
me with the vapid stare of ignorance, I knew no one could win this battle.  No
good would come from this conversation, and Carolyn made sure of that.

Initially, Carolyn feigned stupidity (which was eerily convincing, but even the
best lies are peppered with truth) and claimed she didn't know me.  Having
dealt with this woman numerous times (including a few *shudder* face-to-face
meetings) and given she tried to implicate me within the ranks of HFG, the
ruse lacked even humor, as the attempt was so weak.

After a few hot comments were traded, Carolyn's attempt at throwing down the
gauntlet was to challenge myself and my cohorts to 'hack' into her modified
Linux box.  Now, perhaps Carolyn misunderstands the way the new generation
of hacker-types operate.  First of all, we don't get out of bed for less than
a hundred dollars.  And we certainly don't waste our time breaking into a
machine that serves no real purpose.  Why Carolyn used her box in the capture
the flag competition as a challenge is beyond us, as her personal website
has been hacked more times than are worth counting.  And honestly, at this
point, who hasn't received a DCC offer of her mailbox or home directory
tarred up?  If that is not evidence of her inability to truly secure a
box, then I don't know what is.  Granted, she wished to rest on her
insignificant laurels, and a subtle crack about using finger to break into her
box was sufficient to diffuse that portion of the conversation.

With her last karate-inept leg kicked out from underneath her, Carolyn
attempted to leave with a modicum of respectability, which sadly slipped from
her grasp due to her own failings and incompetence...

The Granny Hacker from Heck?  Hardly (except the older-than-dirt part).  The
Clown Princess?  I suppose this is half true.  Clowns are an amusing sort,
accustomed to being ridiculed.  But I think she missed the princess bit by
about 30 years.  The Happy Hacker?  She didn't seem very happy to us.
Especially with the aforementioned 3-part Antionline article that starts
off attempting to be slightly informational, but ends up being nothing
more than a diatribe of self-promotion and bitter remarks about convention
goers.

No Carolyn, you're not part of "the club".  We're sorry, but you're too crazy,
too medicated, too old, and too stupid.

Also, Carolyn, you had more than a week between the end of DefCon and the
posting of the Antionline article.  The best insult you could come up with was
to say I `pumped my muscles up with a bike pump`?  I mean, what sort of 1940's
street-tough book of insults are you consulting?  Double dumbass on you
Carolyn.
  
Contrary to what she swears up and down, Carolyn Meinel is indeed a
confidential informant for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and her status
is listed as "MI" and "PS".  MI indicates that the informant suffers from a
mental or emotional dysfunction, and all information must be scrutinized as
such.  PS means that she is a probable suspect.  This is why the FBI
polygraphed her.  Do you trust her?

Now, don't get us wrong.  We actually like Carolyn Meinel.  As Virii makers
have a symbiotic relationship with companies that make Anti-Virii software,
true hackers and their ilk have a symbiotic relationship with the uninformed
vocal nay-sayers that try to misinform the public as to our actions.  Without
Carolyn, no one would know how great we really are.  It is impossible to fully
appreciate what `good` is when you have no frame of reference in understanding
what `bad` is.  For this, we can only thank you Carolyn.  Your efforts and
misinformation only further our roles as highly paid debunkers of your
insanity.  When you're 65 and retired, or possibly deceased -- we'll just be
entering the prime of our lives and professional careers.  If you're still
around then and your descent into lunacy hasn't pushed you over the brink,
look us up.  We love clowns.

And, by the way Carolyn, do send Virginia my love.

"I'm old.  Please don't make fun of me anymore".

Mike D. Schiffman
Kingcrab
kamee

p.s. For more great information, please see the Meinel Hall of Shame.
EOF