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By Al Franken
The moment Playboy told me I could tackle any subject for its
millennium issue, I immediately chose pornography. Now, you may assume
I picked pornography because I believe Playboy is pornography. Far
from it. Playboy is erotica.
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Playboy Is High Brow
Indeed, if Playboy were pornography, Hugh Hefner would be a
pornographer, which he most definitely is not. Hugh Hefner is a
sensualist. Larry Flynt is a pornographer. And when I say that, I
don't necessarily mean it as a pejorative. (Although I have to admit
feeling a little uncomfortable when Flynt and I were on the same side
during the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal. So I did some research, and it
turns out that Larry Flynt has done some positive things. For example,
thanks to Flynt, every sex shop in California is required to have a
wheelchair access ramp.)
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Al's Friends Like 'Wanking Their Schmeckels' To Hustler
Now you may be asking: what exactly is the difference between
erotic (Playboy) and pornographic (Hustler, Big Butt, Barely Legal)?
Thanks to research at the Institute for Pornographic Studies in
Northridge, California, scientific techniques have been applied to the
study of pornography so that such distinction can be drawn on a
totally quantifiable basis. ...
According to IPS, the average Playboy reader spends just 43 percent of
his time with each issue masturbating. At Hustler, the figure is 81
percent. Of course, this only applies to Playboy the magazine. The IPS
estimates that nearly 98 percent of an average viewer's time while
watching Playboy TV is masturbating.
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The New Revolution
Playboy TV is available only because of the technology that gave us
cable television. Since the advent of cable, an ever-accelerating
technological revolution has given us an explosion of opportunities to
enjoy pornography in our own homes.
I'm talking, of course, about the Internet, which is a terrific
learning tool. For example, a couple years ago, when he was 12, my son
used the Internet for a sixth grade report on bestiality. Joe was able
to download some effective visual aids, which the other students in
his class just loved. See, at that age, kids are sponges!
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Al Is Off To A Sex Shop
If anything, this technological revolution will accelerate
exponentially in the future, which is why the next millennium will be
such an exciting time for pornographers and for us, the consumers of
pornography. Of course, predicting the future is no easy task, which
is why I traveled to Northridge to talk to the futurists at IPS.
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Al Franken Dreams of Going To A Cyber-Reality Sex
Lab
I was escorted through the modest single-story cinderblock think tank
by IPS senior fellow Dr. Julie DeVine, a futurist trained at MIT, the
Minnesota Institute of Titology, which has a controversial doctoral
program.
As Dr. DeVine led me to the Future wing of the institute, I couldn't
help but notice that she is an extremely attractive blonde with a
tight, round ass, legs that won't quit and firm but ample breasts. So
ample, in fact, that she received a full scholarship from MIT.
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Al Goes Into A Virtual Reality Sex Machine
At first, I thought it was my imagination, but when Dr. DeVine
escorted me into the virtual reality room, she seemed to be coming on
to me. She allowed her bodacious breasts to brush against my face as
she lowered me into the prototype of the Virtu-Screw 2000. "How does
that feel?" she cooed. I didn't know if she was referring to the
Naugahyde bucket seat or to the two erect nipples pushing through her
white lab coat and nearly poking my eyes out.
Then Dr. DeVine placed the Virtu-Screw helmet over my head. Sitting in
the pitch dark, I felt slightly vulnerable but also excited. She asked
me which setting I wanted. Since I've been married 23 years, I
naturally chose "blow job." My chair was abruptly tilted backward and
I "felt" my pants being unzipped. If I hadn't known I was sitting in
the most state-of-the-art virtual reality sex machine, I would've
sworn that a real woman's hand had pulled my cock from my pants.
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Al Meets His Childhood Dream
My nervousness disappeared, and I sat back and enjoyed the
amazingly realistic cyber job. It was every bit as good as the last
real blow job I had gotten 23 years earlier — if not better — because
when I shot my wad, the virtual mouth swallowed. ...
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Virtual Reality Sex
Virtual reality sex, Dr. DeVine fears, will become the crack
cocaine of the 21st century. Why then was she contributing to the VRS
project? She explained that if the U.S. didn't develop the technology
first, someone else would, and she shuddered just thinking of VRS in
the hands of the Chinese.
I found myself extremely attracted to the vulnerable side of this
sexy scientist, and when I offered to comfort her, she accepted,
kissing me full on the lips and inserting her tongue into my mouth and
moving it around suggestively. Then she reached down and started
rubbing my crotch and within just five or ten minutes, my cock was
again hard and ready for action. ...
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Al To Try Anal Sex Machine?
While still rubbing my crotch, Dr. DeVine led me through the Future
wing to the Sexbot room. ...
The most current Sexbot prototype, Connie, while quite attractive, has
moving parts made of plastic and metal alloys considered quite
dangerous. In fact, as a futurist, Dr. DeVine believes that the first
Sexbots to hit the market will result in class-action suits filed by
severely injured men.
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Al Meets Wilhelmenia
That's why Dr. DeVine urged me to forgo Connie and introduced me to
Wilhelmina, a beautiful young German-born researcher who, while human,
most closely approximates the Sexbot of the 22nd century. Wilhelmina
escorted me to a private room with a bed and removed her clothes. If
this is what Sexbots will look like a hundred years from now, I envy
my great-great-grandsons. We made passionate love for two or three
minutes before being joined by Dr. DeVine, who wanted to make the
point that Sexbots will be used for threesomes.
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