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There are large gaps in my history. Some of the family members who could help have died. Others will not talk. The following story is what I have pieced together so far.
I am an American woman, 49 years old. I grew up in southeastern Washington state and have lived in Seattle for the past 33 years. (I am a Hanford downwinder along with everything else.) My life has never been what one would call ordinary. In the last few years I have found out some reasons why. In turn, these new facts have caused me to ask more questions.
My parents married when I was "on the way." They divorced when I was three years old and my sister was 18 months old. My father served in the military during WWII and may have had some special assignments. My family history has aspects of sexual and emotional abuse, neglect, and trauma. Both my sister and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Both of us have struggled with addiction and depression.
I was in the hospital 11 days before being given to my mother to care for. At some point, almost certainly during those 11 days, I was given female genital mutiliation. I describe that more fully on my geocities web page, at http://www.geocities.com/hotsprings/villa/6206.
People are welcome to visit. This is a relatively new web page for me. Just this January it was confirmed to me that the genital mutiliation was not done for any chromosomal or hormonal reason. The medical records for the original procedure were destroyed.
In addition to the genital mutiliation site, I have a "scoop mark" and at least two more odd scars. In addition, 8 years ago both breasts started bleeding. I was given exploratory surgery but according to the surgeon there was no cancer, and in fact there was no explanation.
I bruise easily and often have bruises that I cannot explain at all. I don't drink or use recreational drugs, and do not have blackouts or seizures.
What precipitated my submitting this to the MCF is something that happened to me just a few days ago, in late February 1999. I work two jobs and do not take proper care of myself. One result is that I have trouble sleeping. I lay down one night and as I was trying to relax I had a very intense experience. The closest I can come to describing the experience is that it felt like I had a fine wire spring stretched across the back of my head, under the skin, and someone electrified it and then "twanged" it.
Before that I had heard "clicks" when there was no one in the house. Lately when I have been outside I have had a strong feeling of being followed, coupled at times with seeing movements out of the corner of my eyes. I have adapted to these situations, but I don't think I could ever adapt to the awful "twanging" sensation.
I see a counselor and I told her what has been happening. She asked me if I meant I had been hallucinating. I said no, this feels more like perceiving things that are there but not in an ordinary sense of "there."
One thing I have asked myself over the past few days, if this is mind control, *why* is it being done? Neither of my two jobs is at all what one would call critical or influential. I live alone and do very little socializing.
The only answer I can come up with is that if it is mind control, it is being done by someone who is interested in driving me crazy or making me dysfunctional in some other way. So far I have managed to survive and stay minimally functional. But over the years I have almost totally lost my ambition. I am unable to plan or set goals. I have several gifts which I have no or very little desire to use or develop. I have a 100 percent failure rate in relationships. I have very little sense of moderation, and as a result find myself forced to "just say no" to almost everything that gives a person pleasure.
I am interested in hearing from others who may be able to give me some things that have helped in similar circumstances.
My e-mail address is s_mullen@spu.edu
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