http://www.longislandpress.com/?cp=54&show=article&a_id=7307
Where Have You Gone, 007?
Peter Tannen 02/02/2006 12:02 am
In the spy business, this is as funny as it gets:
Russia's Federal Security Service (the FSB) has
accused the British of a spying operation using a "high-tech" rock.
The FSB, successor to the KGB, said they found a
"spy gadget" installed inside a fake rock on a
street in Moscow, and that British agents
exchanged information with their Russian sources
using communications equipment hidden inside the rock.
Not only that, but the Russians even showed film
footage from a hidden camera (possibly inside a
neighboring rock, I would guess—gosh, who would
think to look there?) to make their case. Their
film shows various people walking up to the fake
rock, and one man even picking it up and carrying it away.
"In this business nothing is unlikely," Alex
Standish, editor of Jane's Intelligence Review,
told the United Kingdom's Press Association.
"Don't dismiss anything out of hand because far
more bizarre things have happened than a recording rock."
"Hey, man, is this the Russian Embassy?"
"Da."
"You dudes order a pepperoni pizza, with a double-thick crust?"
"That is correct."
"Right. That'll be $14.95, plus tax. And here in
New York City, sir, it's customary to add a tip."
"One moment, please. First we have to X-ray the pizza."
"X-ray the pizza? Man, that'll cook it even more!
Trust me, you never ever want to eat overcooked
pepperoni...it tastes like cardboard."
"Okay, I understand, you have a good point. Here's a twenty. Keep the change."
"Thank you, sir, and if you ever want another
pizza delivered fast, just ask for Lamar."
The following two phone conversations happen in the next minute:
"Headquarters, this is Lamar. The pizza with the
microrecorders in the pepperoni slices has been
delivered and accepted. And the live-action TV
camera in the double-thick crust is operational."
"Sergei, this is Ivan. The twenty-dollar bill
with the microdot radio transmitter pasted on
Andrew Jackson's photo has been delivered and
accepted. We're listening to the subject make a phone call right now."
Real spying, of course, is a tough, unforgiving
business, and different countries take different approaches.
Here in the United States, we spend billions on
high-tech satellites and sophisticated computer
systems to analyze zillions of phone calls for
scraps of information. We invade the medical and
financial records of Americans, seemingly at
will. We demand that libraries give the
government information on which Americans are reading which books.
And what do we get? Misinformation (e.g., there
are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, uranium
is being sold in Niger, Quakers are plotting
subversive activities right here at home, etc.).
The Brits, on the other hand, appear to have lost
faith in high-tech spying and have somehow hit on
the completely retro idea of putting that fake
rock in the middle of Moscow to help their spies exchange messages.
And what do they get? Caught with their pants down.
James Bond, where are you when Her Majesty's Government really needs you?
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Peter Tannen is a recipient of a 2005 National
Press Club Award for humor writing.
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Received on Sat Mar 02 2024 - 00:57:22 CST