How to Become a Hacker Saint

by J-Fast

This article explains how a hacker can become an official "saint" as declared by the Pope.

How likely is this to happen?  Not very.  But in theory it is possible.  If you are looking forward to becoming a saint in this lifetime, forget about it.  The process of canonization can't even start until 50 years after your death - and you'll need at least two miracles and a bunch of great characteristics called "eminent virtues."  There is a fast-tracking procedure where the Pope can skip all the paperwork and just announce that you are "equipollent" and you are canonized immediately.  Don't count on this though, unless you are an awesome person.

If you don't like attention - committees examining your every deed, interviewing other people about you, or reading everything that you wrote - perhaps being a saint isn't for you.

Die a Cruel, Horrible Death in the Name of the Church

As a hacker, you are already treated poorly by the media.  You are prosecuted unjustly and reviled by the common person - similar to how Christians were viewed back in the old days.  But in order to be considered a saint, you must go beyond this.  You must die an awful, tortuous death in the name of the Church.

Vincent of Saragossa was stretched on a rack then laid on a red-hot gridiron.  While all this was happening, they were also tearing out his flesh with big hooks.  Beautiful Saint Agatha was stretched on a rack, had her breasts cut off, and was thrown naked into burning coal.  Forty Christians were ordered to lie naked on a frozen lake until they died.  Jonah had his body crushed to death in a wire press.  Pelagia was roasted to death in a hollow bull made of bronze because she wouldn't marry the emperor's son.  Florian was beaten twice and had his skin peeled slowly from his body before finally being weighed down by rocks and tossed into the river Enns.

Venantius was a tough one.  They scourged him, burned him with flaming torches, knocked out his teeth, hung him upside down over a fire, broke his jaw, threw him to the lions, tossed him over a cliff, and finally cut his head off.  Learn from these examples.

Live Like a Hermit

The less painful way to become a saint is to live an ascetic life.

Hey, we hackers are already good at this!  We spend hours alone at our computers.  Back in the old days, saints used to live in caves.  Paul the Hermit lived in caves in the desert for most of his life, and Mark lived in a cave that had a huge overhanging rock that could have fallen and crushed him at any moment.

I recommend building your own pillar like Simeon the Stylite and living there (rent free).  Unfortunately, Simeon had to keep increasing the height of his pillar because crowds came to look at him.  His pillar, where he lived for 37 years, eventually became 20 feet tall.

The bad part about living an ascetic life is that after awhile you begin to stink quite badly.  The simple fact is that many saints stunk.  St. Anthony never in his life washed his feet, and St. Sylvia never washed any part of her body except for her fingers.

Miracles - You'll Need Lots of Them

Here's the bad news: As I've already mentioned you'll need at least two miracles to your credit.

Even worse, only miracles after your death count.  Miracles are judged by a panel of theologians and sometimes "medical experts."  Probably the best way to perform miracles after your death is via software that acts in the future.  Perhaps a date triggers a virus or some other spectacular change in computers all around the world.  I know, I know, this is a long shot.

To make it even tougher to become a saint, you need to perform another miracle even after your two previous miracles have been approved!  Basically, the committee waits around until your third (or higher) miracle occurs.  Because this miracle stuff is getting so ridiculous, the Church takes the easy way out.  They exhume your body from the grave and examine it.  If it is in relatively good condition - it isn't rotting too badly - then this can be considered a miracle because it shows that you truly are saintly.  Therefore it is absolutely necessary that you invest in a firm, airtight coffin for your body to lay in and not rot too badly.

When all Else Fails Act Crazy

If you can't see yourself doing any of the above, the least you can do is live a religious hacker life and act insane.

There were at least three saints who were nuts: Simeon Salus, Joseph of Copertino, and Christina.

The craziest saint of them all was Christina.  One day she suffered a fit and lost consciousness.  People thought she had died so they buried her - except she wasn't really dead. During the funeral she jumped out of her coffin.  She also liked to be swung round and round on mill wheels.  She hid in ovens to escape the smell of humans and one time in a church in Wellan, she sat in a fountain of water during the service.

In short, it's not impossible for a hacker to become a saint but it is pretty damn hard.  The Catholic Church spends hundreds of thousands of dollars on the process that takes years.  It took Joan of Arc almost 500 years after her death before she became a saint.

Considering the large time frame, the extremely difficult tasks of performing miracles after your death, and the possibility of living in a stinking hut or being brutally tortured, it may not be worth it after all.