Pierre O'Brien, Harassment Agent - Episode 4
by Lee Williams
(This story is a complete work of fiction.)
I was 15-years-old when my nose first got smashed into a wall. I was in a residential treatment facility, against my will, when some fat f*ck named Caleb grabbed me from behind and smashed me into the wall as if he was dealing with a violent felon. Later that day, another staff member told him to meet at a bar, and when he did, he beat the ever living shit out of Caleb. Caleb wasn't seen for a week, and came back working the nightshift.
I came to in a bar in Jacksonville, a redneck on the floor, blood on my hands, and his nose not quite looking right. And I think to myself, Pierre, you did it again, god damn it. And so I ran out of the bar and jumped on a bus, and rode it far, far away.
"Pierre, you idiot," I thought. "We can't keep doing this."
I was clicked up with Lee now, who was clicked up with whoever, and he made this bus card for me that was just a copy of someone else's bus card. He did it by bumping into a bus employee with an NFC reader in his pocket, and that NFC reader copied his card, which he then wrote to a blank card, which was mine, and now I ride the bus for free.
I felt bad about leaving him in the dust, but I had to go meet someone. He'll be fine. We will meet back up later, I hope. I miss this girl very much, and for the life of me, I can't possibly remember what drove her to move to Jacksonville. But the most important part was that I wasn't found. They still have a warrant out for my arrest. I don't want to be seen on any cameras.
And thankfully, Jacksonville, Florida is way, way behind on technology.
So I got a pair of camera blocking glasses. When you wear them, they make your face turn into a bulb of light in the view of CCTV cameras. I don't know how they work, something about infrared or something like that, but you can buy them online. However, I need a place to receive them. I have the money. So I opened Zillow.com, and looked for the nearest house for sale. Then I carefully selected one that hadn't started having people view it.
I got to the house, some mid-renovation dump in a place called Ortega Farms and took a paperclip and carefully bent it with some pliers to make what is basically a tension wrench. Then I took a second paper clip and even more carefully bent it to create that little jiggy thingy you use to bump the pins up. Come nightfall, I went around back, and picked the lock to the back door. It took me a f*cking century to get open, but eventually the tension wrench moved all the way to the left and the door unlocked. Then I taped the hole where the locking mechanism goes in so the door stayed open for me.
And now I was looking at my new sleeping spot for however long.
Suddenly, I felt very sleepy. Like this wave of exhaustion just crashed over me. I can't explain it. I had been up for three days now, and truthfully, couldn't remember every detail of what had happened in those three days, and I knew it was all catching up to me. Right before I went to sleep though, I ordered the camera blocking glasses to the address I was sleeping in.
Four warm days later they came. Days spent lying in the sun, eating the last cans of chili I had, drinking warm beers I would buy cold at the nearby liquor store, and smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes. They were cheap. That's why Lee smoked them too. They were long days. My mind ran wild in that house.
I would go room to room smashing any mirror I saw with a hammer I found.
I would piss and shit in the only toilet that worked, the one in the basement.
I would bathe in the freezing cold water that came out the faucet in the shower, because the heater didn't work.
But the glasses f*cking came. I cracked open a Guinness.
And now, the cameras will see a beam of light when my face walks by. Thank Leon for that, even though he's currently trying to wipe me off the map.
I walk outside, and walk to her last known address. It was a long walk. I walked all day. I ran for part of it, just for the challenge. She lived 11 miles away; I ran about half of it. It didn't really matter because I usually dress pretty sporty anyway. I had red Nike Dunks on and basketball shorts and a wife beater shirt. Truthfully, I had dressed perfectly to go for a run.
I stopped in a CVS along the way to test the glasses out. I shoplifted a basket full of water, dried fruit, snacks, and deodorant and looked at the camera on the way out, and saw a beam of light. I'm a beam of light! Look at that! And then I calmly walked out of the store, basket in hand, like I had already paid, and started running again. Quickly, I ducked into a swamp to put all the stuff in my backpack, and I threw the basket into the water. I saw several things start to swim about in the previously silent water and realized I had encountered a gator infested swamp. It all seemed pretty cool until I heard this hissing sound right next to me, and realized there was in fact an alligator looking at me, and he seemed somewhat hungry.
So I maniacally jumped on his head until it was dazed and kept running.
I decided to listen to the police radio on an app on my phone.
"This is car one, I'm down here with the clerk, we looked at the footage and the guy's face is just... I don't know how to explain this. It's like when his face gets in the camera it's all bright. No, I don't need medical, why would you send medical. For me? What?"
I ate a Slim Jim as I finished the final stretch to her house. But when I got to her house, I saw two kids playing outside. I was furious. I stormed up the steps and knocked on the door, blood running in my veins like a bubbling stew, my heart pounding and full of hate, my brow furrowed, my head feeling like there was ginger ale in my skull... And then a man opened the door, a man taller than me, a man dressed better than me, a man a few years older than me.
"Hi," he started to say. "How can I help y-"
"Where is she!?" I shouted maniacally.
"Who!?" He seemed scared.
"Your wife, asshole!"
"You won't be talking to my wife like that," he said. "Not if you want to speak to her."
"Trust me buddy," I said. "I won't."
He slammed the door in my face and after a few seconds of angry waiting, my heart pounding, a woman I had never seen before in my life opened the door. I stared at her confused.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"Who are you!?" I screamed.
"I'm Joanne? His wife?"
"What happened to Elizabeth!"
"The woman who lived here before? She moved to California. We bought the house from her. Are you okay?"
Suddenly my blood stopped boiling and my heart stopped pounding and that feeling in my head went away and I realized that she didn't live here anymore.
"Nothing. It was a mistake. Sorry."
"And if you ever come back, we will call the police! This is a blue lives matter family!" she shouted, but I was already down the street.
I ran the almost half marathon the whole way back to my little house that I've forcefully claimed as mine. Not sure what to do, I figured my best bet would be to find Lee again, so I packed up and went back to the motel, but he wasn't there. I knocked on the door to his room, and some random drug addict answered the door, so I left. I decided to go to the beach. I went all the way out to Atlantic Beach. And then I walked down to Neptune Beach. I had lost track of time and eventually took a nap on the sand. When I woke up it was daytime.
I took the bus back to where I was squatting.
I plugged my phone in. Didn't realize they had electricity here.
He replied almost instantly.
And with that, I cracked open a can of chili, poured it into a pot, heated it up with the portable stove I stole (thank you camera blocking glasses) and called it a night. But not before two to three to four to five to six Guinnesses.
Soundtrack
Debold - Vegyn
Moments - Melosense
The Righteous Wrath of an Honorable Man - Colin Stetson
Better Than Ever - YoungBoy Never Broke Again